If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living

Over a year ago I wrote these things that I desired for my life:

I will be girl worth missing- not easy to forget
I will go on long hikes alone
I will finish school with less stress than I have in the past because I have not created the stress for myself
I want to save more diligently for the future
I am going to join Teachers Without Borders
I am going to run more often
I am going to rock climb
I am going to meet more people
I am going to find another fruitful job that I enjoy
I am going to be courageous
I am not going to let people walk all over me and take advantage of my kindness
I am not going to remain in a relationship where I am not appreciated or treated with the same kindness and respect
I am not going to put others' happiness before my own
I am going to spend more time doing things alone and with people I enjoy who share the same zeal for life.


I smile reading this because I have accomplished nearly everything on this list. It's amazing how much changes when you decide that it's time to change something. We have so much power to invite wonderful things into our lives, we just have to believe it, ask for it, and make it happen. I find it interesting that over a year later I've been thinking hard about the new changes I want to make in my life and how overwhelmed I feel about what it's going to take to make it happen. Reading the list of things I wanted to deeply, I become excited and giddy at what I'm going to accomplish this next year. I am beginning to see how much God wants these things for me more than I want them for myself and that it's all right in front of me waiting.

I still desire those things, but now my focus looks a little different.

I am going to change my diet and slowly illiminate the toxins I put into my body
I am going to enjoy and be present through my student teaching
I am going to change the way I think about pain, negativity, and the way I see opportunities
I am going to believe in myself
I am going to be a better friend to those I love
I am going to continue to push myself and meet new people
I am going to spend my free time productively and wisely
I am going to love myself first
I am going to forgive
I am going to heal
I am going to grow
I am going to choose my words intentionally
I am going to say less and listen more
I am going to accept the things I have no control over
I am going to seek with purpose
I am going to feed my soul
I am going to know myself more


Abstract perhaps, but they're the things I desire the most in the moment and I am always one step closer by asking and moving.

The awakening was sweet, the seeking exhilarating. But nothing would be easy.

I can't stop listening to this song. Maybe it's the best reminer I have that the going gets rough.
It's beautiful. All of it.

I am not apologetic
I am not disappointed.

I'm ready. So ready.

The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning to work on becoming yourself.

I may not know all the answers, but I know when to admit that I'm wrong

I may not be great with articulating thoughts, but I know how much power words hold

I may not be competitive, but I never give up

I may not may not be making lots of money, but I know what's truly valuable

I may not be confrontational, but I know when to stand up for myself

I may not be fearless, but I'm courageous

I may not dress the part, but I love my role

I may not be funny, but I know when to laugh at myself

I may not be fashionable or trendy, but I'm absolutely comfortable and confident in my own skin

I may not know all the tricks and strategies, but I give all of myself

I may not have been there, but I have an imagination like you wouldn't believe

I may not do everything on my own, but am strong and independent

I may not make all the best choices, but I'll never stop growing

I may not have been around for very long, but I've got a million stories to tell

I may not be the best soccer player, cyclist, rock climber, skier, or snowboarder, but I know how to jump in the river, make snow angels, crunch leaves with my feet, and love every second of being outdoors

I may not always be serious, but I've got a genuine smile

I may not have accomplished or explored a lot of things, but I'm always willing to give it a try

I may not like bananas, but I'll eat one for my kid someday to show that mommy isn't a hypocrite

I may not be good with numbers, but I know how valuable time is

I may not eat many cookies, but I'll bake you a million if you like

I may not know much about wine, but I've got intrigue and some tastes buds that like to learn

I may not be sophisticated, but I know when to be classy

I may not have a lot of experience, but I know how to truly love

I may not have met all my own expectations, but I know myself

I may not have everything planned out, but I've got grit, fire, and determination

I'd say the words, but you already know.

For now I'll wander with purpose.

Deliciousness

Today I had one of the best Tomatoe Bisques in Durango- I'm not sure that's really saying much, but for 2.50 a cup, my tummy was cozy and content. As for the rest of me, I'm one happy camper. The point, winter calls for happy tummies and some tomatoe bisque. mmmmhmm.

"New Map"

There's a hole in your heart, begging for adventure.
Play yourself a new track, set traps for the future.
On your own.
Can you do it?
The unknown.
Can you face it?

Shifting desire, shifting desire, shifting desire...

Rules of conformity, heavy clouds of reason.
They're hiding the beauty of your free distortions.
On your own.
Can you do it?
The unknown.
Can you face it?
With your soul, now you see it.
The landscape is infinite.

Shifting desire, shifting desire, shifting desire...



Lyrics by M83

I haven't had many words lately, so for now I'll let this speak for my heart: