"New Map"

There's a hole in your heart, begging for adventure.
Play yourself a new track, set traps for the future.
On your own.
Can you do it?
The unknown.
Can you face it?

Shifting desire, shifting desire, shifting desire...

Rules of conformity, heavy clouds of reason.
They're hiding the beauty of your free distortions.
On your own.
Can you do it?
The unknown.
Can you face it?
With your soul, now you see it.
The landscape is infinite.

Shifting desire, shifting desire, shifting desire...



Lyrics by M83

I haven't had many words lately, so for now I'll let this speak for my heart:

Love and hold nothing back

You know how there seems to be a certain season for everything? It seems that this fall is the season for breakups. The idea of romantic love and relationships has made me think A LOT lately. Recently I read a journal entry I had written during the summer of 08' and that was one eventful and heart wrenching summer at that. And yes, it was due to a guy in my life. I felt physically and emotionally crushed and all the other yucky stuff that goes with getting your heart broken. What was different about that experience, was the way I reacted and how I was going to move forward. Obviously the only thing you can do when you've had your heart ripped out and stomped on, is to pick up all the pieces and move forward. Reading back through what I had written, I wrote about how vulnerability was essentially the only way to truly love. To give your heart completely and take risk after risk no matter what. I believed that 100% then and I have to believe that is what allowed me to take chances and risks after that. It's so easy to hide your heart away and swear off another relationship or the opposite sex, but what good does that really do? C.S Lewis was a very smart man, "Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

Over the past few years as I've learned and experienced more of life, I see a need to protect and guard my own heart. Not out of distrust, but because of how valuable the human heart really is. For myself, I want to be known completely and still be loved, cherished, and accepted with everything that is good and bad. Within in a marriage, I see that as one of the most cherished and valued things one can possess. For the first time in my life, I was in a position where I had no choice but to protect my heart and guard it. I feel safe...safer. I have more control and there aren't all the messy pieces to pick up. This feels good, but that's it. Good. I'm finding that this isn't always as rewarding. Yes, you may get hurt like you've never been hurt before, but you felt something real, no hesitations, no walls, no expectations. But that other person would really see you. ALL of you. I suppose it comes down to how willing you are to take risks. I'm at a place where I see choices and risks and there has to be a moment where you decide if you're 100% in. I like knowing that I gave everything and then failed or I gave everything and succeeded. Failure isn't really the best example because I don't equate success with relationship, but you get the point.

One of my favorite movies is 500 Days of Summer and I love this movie because it's more realistic than most love stories I've seen in a movie. In fact, the narrator even says in the beginning, "This isn't a love story". The movie portrays a guy madly in love with a girl and they have an incredible time together. You see them grow, laugh, cry, love, and have fun. As with most movies, you watch hoping that guy gets girl and they live happily ever after. Fortunately, that's not real life. Yes, I mean fortunately. Towards the end of the movie they have a conversation that actually makes me smile even though the guy doesn't get girl. "You weren't wrong, you were just wrong about me." I love that quote because it emphasizes how much good there is even if it doesn't turn out the way you thought. Suffering isn't something to hide from or to become bitter because it found you, it's something to be fully embraced.

People change and life changes regardless of whether you're ready for it to happen or not. I try and embrace change as much as possible, but there are so many times I'm left going, "Uh, actually I'd prefer not, thanks though". To be honest, I think that's what scares me the most about relationships, people, and marriage. For those of you that know me well, marriage is something I value and cherish because it IS sacred. This is the one thing I don't want to mess up or get wrong. Life has informed me that there are no guarantees and you have no control over other people. You basically commit with faith that the other person you're with values marriage just as much as you do. I would imagine this is why it's so important to marry the "right" person. I have a lot of love to give and marriage is something that is 100%, so I don't take it lightly. I think this is where the ultimate risk comes in and there's no one foot in and the other foot out. And definitely no shaking it all about. I often go back and forth from feeling ready to be married and then feeling so young and inexperienced. I think I'm realizing that it's not the age you get married that matters, it's finding the person that you're ready for. When I was younger I used to view marriage as a destination and that was it. Today I'm incredibly excited to be a wife someday and give myself completely to my husband, but it's a journey and the journey keeps going. That makes me excited and also keeps me patient.

Until I am faced with the ultimate risk, I'm loving working on me and the type of woman I want to be independent of anything else. It's amazing to me how much life there is to experience and I don't want to miss out. The more I understand myself and love myself, the more I have to give. For now I'll enjoy the fact that I'm willingly vulnerable :)

I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself

Finally all moved into my new place-
Note to self: GET RID OF CLOTHES. I had several trashbags full of clothes and I still have more. I'm really happy with where I'm living and the people I'm living with. I'll have to post more pictures of the house later, but here's my room. I still have some decorating and possible rearranging, but it's a really awesome space. I'm really digging the hardwood floors and the colors. So here is a peek at my room in progress :)

I think it annoys God if you walk by the color purple in a field

I can't get enough of my favorite flower (okay, so it's a weed, but it's still my favorite!) and they're EVERYWHERE. I think that's why early fall is my favorite time of the year, the weather is perfect and Durango is absolutely beautiful. The best part is I can pick as many of them as I want and no one will care AND there are thousands of them along my drive home. They make my heart warm.

I'll see you soon

I stumbled across a ton of my old writing and this poem made me smile:


September 3,2008

I’ll see you soon

The path had been prepared long before I even knew the way existed

I waited and waited for what was to come

The glory and victory tucked far away from those blind

Majesty and splendor

I caught a glimpse

Triumph lingered upon my tongue



I whispered in your ear the adventure ahead

You nervously smiled

As you swiftly moved

Moved away from the thought

Away from chance



I drew closer again smiling from ear to ear with excitement

Toes dancing and eyes glistening

Let us chase it

I tugged on your sleeve

Your palms sweaty

Hearts pounding within our chests

I eagerly stood awaiting the risk



Pleading with joyous tears

The joy, the passion, the greatness behind the walls

Let us break them down!

Please come

Pleading with panic stricken tears

You'll miss it



Refusing to leave this ever growing heart behind

I wait once more

Have you heard the voices singing your name with the angels?

I promise it's better than you thought

The fear chases the numbness behind your eyes

The changes

The molding

The closeness

Have they lied to you once more?



Feet beneath the coals

I must flee

Oh the fire that lies beyond the hills!

The light glows behind your eyes

Constant or dimming

You'll jump and dance and sing

Uttering sounds of praise

I'm offering my hand

This little heart offering a chance



Sorrow through a last glance

See you soon?

Please say you'll follow when dawn comes

I turn to see the glow across the hills

I walk alone

Love guiding the way



The promise was better than a passing thought

Imagination one could not provoke

I left a map upon your doorstep

The key beneath mat



Here beneath stars brighter than the sun

I wonder when I'll see your face shine

The promises more real

The glory and victory magnificent

Is your heart burning by now?

Please come even for a visit

Your dreams alive



When evening comes

Pleading for you to rise and walk

Dawn will wake

Can you still hear my voice?

They're no longer whispers or cries ringing through your ears

Only hopeful prayers

Outlines of your shadows drawing closer

Are you here yet?

Music is what feelings sound like

Copeland has been one of my favorite bands if not my top favorite band for quite a few years now. Copeland has been my home and comfort through some of the best times an some of the worst times. I've always thought of Aaron Marsh as one of the most phenomenal songwriters and musicians and I'm so incredibly happy to learn that he's been writing again. I was deeply saddened to learn that Copeland was no longer because I've always wanted to see Aaron Marsh play live. Anyway, the song, "She Changes Your Mind" is one of my all time favorite songs. I smile a lot thinking of the many times I sat in Ben's spacepod of a car listening to the song or going on night time drives with Ana. That was such a beautiful time in my life and a pretty beautiful song. I'm sharing that song along with Aaron's most recent project, The Lulls in Traffic. Enoy :)