Dodgeball

I've never cared much for the game growing up, but I can think of the many elementary school P.E classes spent playing the game that would without a doubt consist of someone unexpectantly getting slammed in the face with the ball. Just about every child in America has played the game at one point in their life and perhaps this silly pointless game is played throughout our lives. I'm immediately reminded of the feeling of being blindsided by a heavy object slamming into my body. As a young awkward girl with chicken legs, my only motivation throughout the game was to get through the entire game without falling on my face, being pushed down, and making sure that a ball wasn't flying at me at every direction. Unfortunately, I didn't have enough eyes or spatial sense to keep these things from happening. Inevitably I found myself beaten up by the game dodgeball. This past month, I've been repeatedly pounded, beaten, and blindsided by a ball called life. This is also inevitable. I still have chicken legs and I'm probably just as awkward- but in cute quirky way I'd like to think- and no matter how many skills I develop, the balls just keep coming.

Despite the years of wisdom that will come, this game will be played until the end. I supppose I should find the joy and excitement in the surprise slam into the face. Although the purpose is to "dodge" the ball, part of the fun is the unexpectedness. Well, maybe from those who are doing the kicking. As I go to class, work, go out with friends, develop friendships and live my life, I see the sneaky people just waiting until you walk by with your back to them so they can kick a ball as hard as they can towards my head. I can get angry and cry like the many times I'm sure I cried when hit or maybe I can take the hit with grace. If anything, I hunger grace. The type of grace that I carry with me when shit hits the fan. Right now there many sneaky ball kicking meanies just waiting for the chance, the chance to get me down. I'm choosing to take the hit with grace. Playing defensively, giving up, or joining isn't an option any longer. My goals, ideas, theology, and priorities have changed many times and I know they will continue to change, but one thing that has stayed consistent in my life is the fact that I will always want to be a woman of grace. I carry a great deal of grace, but this is something I want to continue to learn and embrace. The people that I admire the most carry an unbelievable amount of poise and grace. When we carry grace, we carry a confidence that's contagious.

Regardless of how many things are going in my life, the game must go on. Life doesn't stop to give you a break. No time outs this time. My thoughts are everywhere but here in the present and I need to be here right now because this is where I can thrive. I have experienced change in huge ways over the past couple years and I'm grateful and happy for this change, but I forgot a very important piece. I forgot about the part where I take the time to bring Katie up to date about all this change. I know I've changed and for that I'm also thankful. I'm not remorseful or saddened by this change. I've become an ambitious and loving woman. I have a lot to figure out in the near future and even now, but I also need to enjoy the woman I have come to know now. I don't ever seek to be the allstar playa, but I am not content with the consolation prize any longer. I have become so wrapped up in this change and an end result, I forgot about the things I desire. I'm in complete awe of how God has found ways to send a ball straight at me. I was knocked flat on my face and now that I'm on my feet, I just want to smile at how hard I had to be hit to see my own desires. I have stepped back so that others can take their turn and this could be out of fear or many other things. I guess the reason doesn't really matter, but I'm finally ready to breathe life into myself.

These chicken legs are ready for the next hit.

One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I will sleep another day
I don't really need to anyway
What's the point when my dreams are infected
With words you used to say
I will breathe in a moment
As long as I keep my distance
I wouldn't want to go messing anything up

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

And I could never tell you how I really feel
And for that I eternally apologize

I hope you never forget the tapping at your window
With the harsh cold and the jealousy
Running through my bones
We were both selfish, but I think I was more

I would like to thank you, for showing me
A part of myself that I have never seen
Yeah, we were young and dumb, but it still was fun
And I guess these things just tend to fall apart
And I hope you feel the same

I love xkcd

Asbestos is bad;definitely get the one on the right--Wait, this one over here has no swine flu! Now I can't decide

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving

I've become increasingly critical of everything and everyone-Not so much the critical where I hate the world and hate everyone in it, just the kind where everyone makes me want to poke my own eyes out. I'm amazed as to how so many people function in society and think so highly of themselves. I find it interesting the way things have changed in my own worldview since high school. I talked in class, and folded cute notes about the boys liked, and wrote little emo songs. I don't talk to a great deal of people in a couple of my classes because it's painful to hear the words come out of their mouth. Since I hardly say a word -This might be a surprise to the kid I bet $20 in 7th grade that I could go 10 minutes without talking and failed within the first 5 minutes- I find that I listen and observe people I ordinarliy could care less about. I have a hard time understanding how people excuse themselves for ridiculous behaviours, make dimwitted choices, spew out garbage, and live their lives blissfully as assholes. Ultimately, I think the problem is me. I don't want to go through life in a daze where I just let God take care of everything because HE loves them. On the otherhand, I don't really feel so loving. I sit and critique how I do what they did better, how I'd articulate it, how I wouldn't be an idiot. I can think of all the ways to make the world better (aside from removing assholes) and how great it could be, but instead of doing anything about it, I just criticize and hold may nose just a little higher. The amount of annoyances and effort I put into allowing myself to even think of poking my own eye out would be put to much better use by contributing to society in a positive way. Until then, I'm the asshole.

One of the best winter days ever- I need more of these days.

It's not peace I want, not mere contentment. It's boundless joy and ecstasy for me

I'm happy and I'm content. I know that I'm finally content because I don't need to find reasons to justify why I'm full of joy. There are many things I hope to strive for and reach, but in this very moment and point in my life, I'm content. I'm REALLY looking forward to graduating and finally doing something that I have loved for so long and knowing that it is mine. I know I'm going to be an amazing teacher and I know I'm going to truly show children love. I know it won't be easy and I'll come home frustrated beyond words, but it won't stop me. I've lived most of my life doing something I thought I wouldn't fail at and running to where I would be safe. When it got hard and scary I would run to the next safety until that turned into another challenge. I am often terrified of the next few months to come and I am fearful of failing, but I can't run now because the alternative isn't where I belong or make me safe any longer.

I have come to a realization that I have a spirit of laziness at times and a lack of motivation when I'm worn down. I'm such a fighter, but I only fight when I've fallen to the point that I'm clinging. Why do I wait until such desperate measures? I want to be the person that fights like they're clinging on everyday. I wake up to go to school so that I can get a grade to stay in the ed program so that I can learn to take a test to get my license and graduate to become a teacher so that I can pay off my loans so that I can make a decent living to create a stable environment for a family. And that list does go on. I get worn out thinking of how the future never ends and I'm working so hard for something that never seems to come. I'm always thinking about the next step and how I'm going to get there and even THAT is exhausting. Maybe I am lazy, but it isn't out of apathy, it's rather out of fear, which does lead to a tired heart. I'm not necessarily fearful of not becoming a teacher, I'm afraid of the difficulties ahead of me and I'm afraid of the process being even longer than it has been. I want to wake up every morning from this day and think of the sheer joy I find in teaching and that being the only goal ahead. Thinking about right now seems so much easier and less filled with anxiety.I may even be contradicting my last blog-I'm SO happy with where I live, the people in my life, and finally feeling as though I have a community here.

I'm much too afraid of this culture consuming me. I will always strive to fight what societies poison. I even cringe at the idea of my words and my life becoming trite. I have to think of the goals even if it makes me tired. I want so badly to give my family things I wasn't able to experience. I wasn't spoiled, but I was privileged because I didn't deserve much of what I given and yet I had opportunities, experiences, and my life given to me. I hope that I can give the same to my own children, but I never want to worry about money or be consumed with where it is going to come from and constantly thinking of the next bill that comes after the next bill. That is prison. I want to be debt free, but I also want think like a minimalist and have a heart of thankfulness. The more I have to be thankful for the less things I need to be thankful for. I know that God will graciously give this, but I it IS a privilege and I know that it's worth working for.

To cure my doubting blood and drain me of the sins I love and take me from my disbelief. I know it should come easily, but it remains inside of me

It's funny how content and happy one can be and be missing so much. Perhaps I've learned to find joy in the little things and knowing because I have God, I have everything. I've never feared expressing myself because I know myself better than anything and I'm confident in the woman I have come to know. I feel things and I know they're real, but I haven't always believed they matter. For the brief time I found myself in St. Louis where I had a community encouraging and affirming, I felt safe and secure. I've lost that security in a sense. I now see a great deal that I took for granted and a need that is crucial to the survival of the soul. I know where my worth is and I know how much strength and growth I've endured to get where I am- yet here I sit needing that affirmation. I know it in my heart and in my head because of who God says I am, but the encouragement I received from those that choose to love me really meant the world. When life starts to crumble at my feet and discouragement surrounds, just those few words became sacred. I don't think most realize how powerful the words of an encourager truly are.I've always believed that you speak things into life. We don't realize how much one needs to be affirmed not as a constant reminder, but perhaps even more than that.

I look to future more often than I focus on the present or the past because it's something I'm investing in and hope holds better days. I almost wonder if this is deeply routed through generations. Every person I know looks to future because it holds something for us, a hope,desire, and change. I am able to create wonderful dreams, but there's so much here in front of me. I become discouraged if I look at myself today or look at where my feet are planted. I am constantly weighing my success in what I will one day accomplish. I am overwhelmed with a feeling of joy and incredible happiness when I think of becoming a successful teacher and graduating. I have been waiting for the day to finally make someone proud and to make myself proud and that day always seems so out of reach. Perhaps it's God's way of showing me that I'm worth that pride and joy now. I do believe that I have something to offer, I'm a good person and have a great deal of love, but it has lost its tangibility. Everyone feels a sense of accomplishment and joy by sowing into something. I have school, which I enjoy and I get excited about and I love my job. I have a wonderful boyfriend and new friendships I'm learning to pour into. I realize I've been my own enemy the past year. In order to feel that intimacy and have that support I so desperately need, I have to create it myself. I have to put myself out in the open and be vulnerable. In the past I felt like I was influencing lives, I brought something to the table even if it was for a laugh, but I don't see the results of what I've sown and that's what is ultimately discouraging. The only words I hear of what I've accomplished are the words I speak. The only words I hear about what I'm doing in this moment belongs to me. I know my Father is proud and He takes joy in who I am, but why do my efforts seem as though in vain? I take pride in my own work, I am incredible with kids, it's the easiest and most satisfying aspect of my life, I am patient, I'm kind, and I'm learning to be gentle, assertive, and confident. I don't want to be who I used to be because I love who I am now, I think I'm just waiting to find people who love me now, too. I know my friends and family love me now just as much as they did yesterday an the days before and I am not seeking approval. For the first time in my life I not longer crave approval. Ironically I'm more confident than ever in who I've become and who I'm becoming. In a sense I'm childlike in that I am so excited about so much in my life. I just want to hear the excitement in the voices other than my own.