Love and hold nothing back

You know how there seems to be a certain season for everything? It seems that this fall is the season for breakups. The idea of romantic love and relationships has made me think A LOT lately. Recently I read a journal entry I had written during the summer of 08' and that was one eventful and heart wrenching summer at that. And yes, it was due to a guy in my life. I felt physically and emotionally crushed and all the other yucky stuff that goes with getting your heart broken. What was different about that experience, was the way I reacted and how I was going to move forward. Obviously the only thing you can do when you've had your heart ripped out and stomped on, is to pick up all the pieces and move forward. Reading back through what I had written, I wrote about how vulnerability was essentially the only way to truly love. To give your heart completely and take risk after risk no matter what. I believed that 100% then and I have to believe that is what allowed me to take chances and risks after that. It's so easy to hide your heart away and swear off another relationship or the opposite sex, but what good does that really do? C.S Lewis was a very smart man, "Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

Over the past few years as I've learned and experienced more of life, I see a need to protect and guard my own heart. Not out of distrust, but because of how valuable the human heart really is. For myself, I want to be known completely and still be loved, cherished, and accepted with everything that is good and bad. Within in a marriage, I see that as one of the most cherished and valued things one can possess. For the first time in my life, I was in a position where I had no choice but to protect my heart and guard it. I feel safe...safer. I have more control and there aren't all the messy pieces to pick up. This feels good, but that's it. Good. I'm finding that this isn't always as rewarding. Yes, you may get hurt like you've never been hurt before, but you felt something real, no hesitations, no walls, no expectations. But that other person would really see you. ALL of you. I suppose it comes down to how willing you are to take risks. I'm at a place where I see choices and risks and there has to be a moment where you decide if you're 100% in. I like knowing that I gave everything and then failed or I gave everything and succeeded. Failure isn't really the best example because I don't equate success with relationship, but you get the point.

One of my favorite movies is 500 Days of Summer and I love this movie because it's more realistic than most love stories I've seen in a movie. In fact, the narrator even says in the beginning, "This isn't a love story". The movie portrays a guy madly in love with a girl and they have an incredible time together. You see them grow, laugh, cry, love, and have fun. As with most movies, you watch hoping that guy gets girl and they live happily ever after. Fortunately, that's not real life. Yes, I mean fortunately. Towards the end of the movie they have a conversation that actually makes me smile even though the guy doesn't get girl. "You weren't wrong, you were just wrong about me." I love that quote because it emphasizes how much good there is even if it doesn't turn out the way you thought. Suffering isn't something to hide from or to become bitter because it found you, it's something to be fully embraced.

People change and life changes regardless of whether you're ready for it to happen or not. I try and embrace change as much as possible, but there are so many times I'm left going, "Uh, actually I'd prefer not, thanks though". To be honest, I think that's what scares me the most about relationships, people, and marriage. For those of you that know me well, marriage is something I value and cherish because it IS sacred. This is the one thing I don't want to mess up or get wrong. Life has informed me that there are no guarantees and you have no control over other people. You basically commit with faith that the other person you're with values marriage just as much as you do. I would imagine this is why it's so important to marry the "right" person. I have a lot of love to give and marriage is something that is 100%, so I don't take it lightly. I think this is where the ultimate risk comes in and there's no one foot in and the other foot out. And definitely no shaking it all about. I often go back and forth from feeling ready to be married and then feeling so young and inexperienced. I think I'm realizing that it's not the age you get married that matters, it's finding the person that you're ready for. When I was younger I used to view marriage as a destination and that was it. Today I'm incredibly excited to be a wife someday and give myself completely to my husband, but it's a journey and the journey keeps going. That makes me excited and also keeps me patient.

Until I am faced with the ultimate risk, I'm loving working on me and the type of woman I want to be independent of anything else. It's amazing to me how much life there is to experience and I don't want to miss out. The more I understand myself and love myself, the more I have to give. For now I'll enjoy the fact that I'm willingly vulnerable :)

I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself

Finally all moved into my new place-
Note to self: GET RID OF CLOTHES. I had several trashbags full of clothes and I still have more. I'm really happy with where I'm living and the people I'm living with. I'll have to post more pictures of the house later, but here's my room. I still have some decorating and possible rearranging, but it's a really awesome space. I'm really digging the hardwood floors and the colors. So here is a peek at my room in progress :)

I think it annoys God if you walk by the color purple in a field

I can't get enough of my favorite flower (okay, so it's a weed, but it's still my favorite!) and they're EVERYWHERE. I think that's why early fall is my favorite time of the year, the weather is perfect and Durango is absolutely beautiful. The best part is I can pick as many of them as I want and no one will care AND there are thousands of them along my drive home. They make my heart warm.

I'll see you soon

I stumbled across a ton of my old writing and this poem made me smile:


September 3,2008

I’ll see you soon

The path had been prepared long before I even knew the way existed

I waited and waited for what was to come

The glory and victory tucked far away from those blind

Majesty and splendor

I caught a glimpse

Triumph lingered upon my tongue



I whispered in your ear the adventure ahead

You nervously smiled

As you swiftly moved

Moved away from the thought

Away from chance



I drew closer again smiling from ear to ear with excitement

Toes dancing and eyes glistening

Let us chase it

I tugged on your sleeve

Your palms sweaty

Hearts pounding within our chests

I eagerly stood awaiting the risk



Pleading with joyous tears

The joy, the passion, the greatness behind the walls

Let us break them down!

Please come

Pleading with panic stricken tears

You'll miss it



Refusing to leave this ever growing heart behind

I wait once more

Have you heard the voices singing your name with the angels?

I promise it's better than you thought

The fear chases the numbness behind your eyes

The changes

The molding

The closeness

Have they lied to you once more?



Feet beneath the coals

I must flee

Oh the fire that lies beyond the hills!

The light glows behind your eyes

Constant or dimming

You'll jump and dance and sing

Uttering sounds of praise

I'm offering my hand

This little heart offering a chance



Sorrow through a last glance

See you soon?

Please say you'll follow when dawn comes

I turn to see the glow across the hills

I walk alone

Love guiding the way



The promise was better than a passing thought

Imagination one could not provoke

I left a map upon your doorstep

The key beneath mat



Here beneath stars brighter than the sun

I wonder when I'll see your face shine

The promises more real

The glory and victory magnificent

Is your heart burning by now?

Please come even for a visit

Your dreams alive



When evening comes

Pleading for you to rise and walk

Dawn will wake

Can you still hear my voice?

They're no longer whispers or cries ringing through your ears

Only hopeful prayers

Outlines of your shadows drawing closer

Are you here yet?

Music is what feelings sound like

Copeland has been one of my favorite bands if not my top favorite band for quite a few years now. Copeland has been my home and comfort through some of the best times an some of the worst times. I've always thought of Aaron Marsh as one of the most phenomenal songwriters and musicians and I'm so incredibly happy to learn that he's been writing again. I was deeply saddened to learn that Copeland was no longer because I've always wanted to see Aaron Marsh play live. Anyway, the song, "She Changes Your Mind" is one of my all time favorite songs. I smile a lot thinking of the many times I sat in Ben's spacepod of a car listening to the song or going on night time drives with Ana. That was such a beautiful time in my life and a pretty beautiful song. I'm sharing that song along with Aaron's most recent project, The Lulls in Traffic. Enoy :)

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today

Last night I had one of the worst dreams I’ve had in a long while and I think it’s a reflection of how passionately I feel about children and teaching. I woke up crying, which hasn’t happened in a long time. I can never really remember the very beginning of any dream, but I remember being in a foreign place in a school yard as school was getting out. As kids were coming out of doors, I heard gun shots and I ran towards the sound. I never actually saw who was doing the shooting, but I came across several babies and toddlers that had been shot. The dream was super fuzzy time wise, but I vividly remember going down a hallway and seeing a child no more than two years old, she was dead. No one else was around and I felt like it had been an hour that all of this had happened and not one cop, not one ambulance, not one person rushing to these children. I knelt down and picked up this little girl I did not know and began to wail. I don’t know that I can even describe the anguish I felt in my dream. I was screaming and crying for someone’s baby who deserved to be alive and had worth. I heard little noises coming from a few feet away and it was another child. As I turned towards the other child another person came down the hallway and asked if I there was something we could do. I looked at the child barely alive and said, “No one is coming, there’s absolutely no way she’s going to live.” As I said those words, her eyes just closed and she died.

Dreams are something that I’ve always paid close attention to because they are so often full of vivid images and intense emotions. My dream was in fact morbid and my first instinct would be to say, that was one screwed up dream and then forget about it. As I wrote this dream down in my dream journal, I kept thinking of the past summer and the reflecting I’ve been doing this last week. All of which has been about school, work, my own childhood, and loving children.

Throughout this summer, I’ve had many of my kids come up to me with a big hug or just a smile paired with, “ I love you, Miss Katie”. Hearing that from my kids in my class made my heart so full of joy and made me smile from ear to ear. Everyone likes to be liked and I don’t think any teacher wants to be known as the mean, cold, uncaring teacher. I think what felt so good about hearing those words from my kids was the fact that I knew they weren’t lying. They had no ulterior motives or reason to lie to me. That’s when I started thinking about how pure a child’s love is and what their concept of love consists of. A boy named Logan would tell me he loved me at the most random times and I kept trying to figure out what would prompt him. It would make sense to me that if I give a three year old a cookie, he might say, I love you. With Logan there didn’t seem to be a reason other than the fact that he wanted to tell me. At 3 and 4 they’re going to throw tantrums, break things, and ignore you when you’re talking to them, but they’re innocent. The way they perceive the world holds so much naiveté.The good kind.

Last Thursday I was substituting for another teacher and I had a very challenging experience with one of the new kids in the class. A round faced 3 year old boy with his own mission to be accomplished. Unfortunately, his mission did not consist of anything I wanted him to do or any of the rules and routines. As the day went on I became increasingly annoyed and frustrated with this kid. He barely spoke to anyone or to me and when asked a question I would get nothing. He understood everything I was saying, but would choose to walk away mid sentence. While I was watching some of the kids on the playground I noticed this boy taking apart something that he shouldn’t have. I’ve always been told that what I had to say is ten times more effective if I go to the child and talk with them eye level than to yell across the playground. I asked him to come down and talk to me for a second and that I wasn’t going to yell, I just wanted to talk to him. He looked at me and stood there. I gave him a choice: I was going to help him come down or he could come down by himself. Without one word or movement, he made the choice. I started up the climber and realized the fun game I had created. He began to bolt for the slide as I climbed up stairs getting angrier and angrier. I turned around and met him at the bottom of the slide and sort of laughed at myself. What did I expect from a three year old? Heck, I would have loved to play a game of chase with my teachers on the climber. He saw a game and played it. He and I talked and he responded with one word, “yes”. The rest of the afternoon was my frustration level rose. With most of the kids, I give them simple step by step directions for each transition and it’s the same everyday. They all know the routine and yet this one boy was provoking a frustration I didn’t care for. I started asking him to do one thing at a time and he’d wander off. At this point I was angry and I think a part of me wanted to yell and get the point across. IT ISN’T HARD.

How could I get so frustrated at this child who has probably never been in a childcare facility, doesn’t really want to be there, doesn’t really know the other kids, and has some bossy teacher lady he just met telling him what to do. I felt like an idiot. A meanie face idiot.

Sometimes in our logical grownup minds, we forget what it’s like to be a young child and the way the world looks. Not to excuse bad behavior or to dismiss every defiant thing a child does, but to bring understanding into the picture. As I looked at how I had been dealing with this boy, I realized I had been going about it all wrong. I started talking to him and asking him question. If I was going to have to guide him through something as simple as washing his hands or throwing away his napkin, so be it. I explained why we had to do every little thing and that it would be something he would do everyday. He said very little until nap and laid down for rest. After he had woken up from his nap and started to put on his shoes, he ran up to me with his shoes back on his feet and exclaimed, “Look Miss!!! Eyes and teeth!!!” I looked down and saw that his croc’s had eyes on the toes and little holes around the front to look like teeth. I smiled and he grabbed my hand to play with him. The rest of the day he came to me asking questions and showing me all the things he had found throughout the classroom. I smiled because I knew that if I hadn’t stopped my anger and frustration and thought about what he was thinking, he wouldn’t have opened up like that. I suddenly saw a little boy that was scared and just wanted someone to pay attention and help him, not someone to yell at him.

I left work that day thinking of my own father and that brought me to tears because I knew how I felt at three years old being screamed at. I couldn’t really tell you all the things he yelled at me for. I’m sure there were many occasions I probably deserved it, but there were too many times I didn’t. My father taught me to fear him. When he screamed at the top of his lungs, I didn’t hear a word about what I was doing wrong and I didn’t understand what I should’ve done differently. I just knew that I made him angry and I was absolutely terrified. When my brother and I would visit my dad on weekends, we would stand behind his couch as my dad watched TV and bribe each other to tell our dad we were ready for lunch or that we wanted to go outside and play. Let me just say for the record, my father was NEVER physically abusive and I never thought I was going to be hit. I was just terrified of being screamed at for any sort of interruption or movement. I look back on visiting with my dad without anger or bitterness, but a sadness and determination. I love my father and I could list all the possible reasons of why he was the way he was and I know he loved my brother and I very much despite the screaming. I believe this has brought more determination to be the type of mother and teacher I desire so much. I don’t know all the right ways to raise a child or even teach and I’m not going to pretend that I know more than my own parents, but I see something in children that allows me to see the world in a very unique way.

If anyone knows me well, they know that I love children more than anything else. I’m passionate and driven to show children the same pure love that they show me. When I look at a child, I see worth. I want so badly for every child I come across to know they are valuable and have something to give in this world. I honestly can’t imagine anything more rewarding or better to give my life to. As I continue on my journey as a teacher and perhaps a mom, I’ll keep praying every day for the yearning to possess a gentle yet firm spirit and the humility to remind me when I’m wrong.

Decisions become easier when your will to please God outweighs your will to please the world.

Thanks to a very wonderful woman in my life, I was quickly reminded of the choices I have made up to this point and the very choices I have avoided throughout my journey to know who God really is and what He wanted from me. I've always found it ironic and somewhat chilling how God opens doors at the perfect time. Timing is everything and I've always believed in God's timing and waiting for that, but I've been even more impressed with our freedom to make choices. I've seen so many people throughout my life and I have been one of those people who constantly blamed God or the world for letting awful things happen. I see it as though God is actively involved in our lives and allows for some really bad things to happen regardless of whether we like it or not in order to understand. Sometimes our parents let us suffer consequences and learn the "hard way" because there are some things we're just too prideful or stubborn to learn otherwise. I'm continuously learning that I am given choices everyday and what I choose to do each moment of each day is something that I own and take responsibility for. I have made some pretty terrible choices and some really good choices, all of which have worked out for the greater good. One of the many things I love about God, is that fact that even when we suffer consequences at our own hands, He provides some good. As trite as it sounds, everything truly is meant for a reason. As the silly and crass dog, Wilfred says, "Everything is about Everything".

I become excited and passionate about all the serendipitous things that have happened throughout the past 6 years, but I digress. Through a very seemingly coincidental conversation with an amazing girl I met while in St. Louis, I was began pondering how I got to this very moment in my faith and how God's providence unfolded allowing for each decision to become clearer than the last.

When I think about the journey, I think of it more as an adventure with a lot of mystery, excitement, fear, and a heck of a lot of uncertainty along the way. That's the way a real adventure should be. My senior year of high school I dated a very kind and yet very pious boy named, Theo. Although that relationship was short lived, he became one of the most influential best friends I would have. I grew up always knowing there was a God and I knew I loved Him. I can't say that my faith went much further than an occasional church gathering and prayers when I was hurting and afraid of the unknown. Theo was pushy, let's just get it out there. I love him dearly, but he was not afraid to step on toes and be bold with his words. I was absolutely overwhelmed, baffled, and very annoyed at the time, but I have come to admire and value that boldness in him. Not so much the pushiness, but the fact that he stood his ground and had such a determination for what he knew was right. He wanted to share it with me and I'm so grateful that he did. He soon introduced to me his closest friends, Ben, John, and Steve. We became Wendy and the Lost Boys the summer after graduation. I spent my entire summer growing in my passion for life and music. Theo and Ben were very devout Catholics and I respected them for that despite my disinterest in the Catholic faith. They never ceased to bring up very intentional conversations in my presence and I became curious. Very curious.

I soon packed up my room and headed off for my first year of college in Durango where I knew no one and I was on my own. I had no one to answer to and I was free from the controlling environment I had endured growing up. Honestly, I was ready to do what I wanted and be selfish because I finally could. I did just that and met as many people as I could and found out what the partying was all about. I quickly found out that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Ben would call me on weekends, message me on myspace, and talk with me through AIM about life in Durango and encourage me each weekend to go to church, move and do something. The worse my selfishness became, the more I loathed who I had become. I vividly remember the moment I threw a bottle of vodka and watched it shatter on the floor. No, I wasn't an alcoholic that had suddenly realized my sickness, I was just a lost, naive, and spiritually hungry child that was tired of living a mediocre and unfulfilled life. After that point, things just started falling into place, I started meeting people who encouraged me in my faith. As Ben prayed and gave me a little push, I started to care. I cared about myself and started to find that there was a beautiful world worth living in and a lot of joy to be found.

One of the most defining and and powerful moments I have ever experienced was in Denver at a praise and worship. The seminarians ran the praise and worship, but it was open to all Christian denominations. I was intimidated and yet so curious as to what I was going to experience. I heard stories of some mysterious experiences the past few times Theo and Ben had been without me. I decided to spend one of my Christmas break evenings at the praise and worship. I was ready and open for whatever God was going to show me. I had hoped that I would see something miraculous and I kept secretly thinking that I would believe if I could only see. I tried so hard to set all expectations aside, but I was a like a wide-eyed little girl, looking at a Christmas present all wrapped up. I just wanted to know. My expectations were exceeded, not because something miraculous happened (something very astounding did happen), but because I felt the Holy Spirit in a way that I had NEVER experienced or thought possible. I burst into tears uncontrollably and that was probably the moment where my spiritual gift became crying. I was full of so much emotion that no words would suffice. I didn't have to explain, though. Ben and Theo just looked at me and smiled- I was understood. Later that evening, Ben in a conversation with another gentleman, began introducing me and was asked if I was Catholic. His response with a wide grin, "No, but she will be". I smiled half thinking, that's awful presumptuous and arrogant and the other half thinking, how could he know that? That was six years ago, I still remember that moment like it was yesterday.

As the year ended, I was faced with another choice. My best friend had decided to move back to Colorado and I could spend another year in Durango or transfer to a Christian college. I was torn at first because I was attached to the new people and experiences in my life, but I thought maybe it was time to become serious about my faith and the best way to do that was at a Christian college closer to those who built me up. I ended up choosing to move back to Lakewood. That summer, Ana, Ben,Theo, and I spent the every moment we could being silly, playing outside, and learning as much as we could about God. I started to let my guard down and allowed myself to embrace as much of the Catholic church as I could. We went to mass probably 4 times a week and spent a large amount of time with a Catholic community that Ben would later join. The Fraternas were some of the most humorous and delightful people I knew.

I started my first semester at CCU excited and wondering what would be next. I was finally at the point that I wanted to move forward with Catholicism and I really wanted to make a choice. I felt like I had to make a decision because time was running out. I started RCIA- an adult confirmation class. As winter was approaching, fear and more choices appeared. Ana was moving back to Illinois and I was left wondering if the choices I was making would be the right thing. I still loved the Catholic church, but some things were rubbing me the wrong way. Moving back to Lakewood was hard and I was ready to leave and do something different. An opportunity fell into my lap that I felt to my core that I had to leap and take a chance. I learned about a bible College in St. Louis that offered free tuition if I lived on campus. That sounded like a deal and a half because I could barely afford CCU and I still living at home. Looking back, I can admit that my motivations were perhaps to run, but what forced me to do it was the determination and peace that I HAD to do it. I honestly didn't fully understand why and I had absolutely no clue what to expect. I found out two days before I hopped on a plane and moved to St. Louis that I was accepted. I got on that plane (loopy and almost unconscious from sleeping pills) more confident and at peace for the adventure that I was about to embark on. I met Clay at the airport still loopy and probably looking like a doped up hippy from Colorado. He was holding a sign that said, "When given lemons, make lemonade". That adventure lasted 2 1/2 years and that time was invaluable. I met more of the best people I could imagine and learned more about myself and my faith than I had hoped. At this point Ben was beginning his journey in joining a Catholic community. He was ready to pursue his calling- Priesthood. I was proud and excited and yet somehow I was left slightly bitter and angry. I loved Ben as my friend and perhaps I loved him because I saw Christ in him. Through him I saw Christ and I was angry how God could take away something so good in my life. Ben moved to Peru during those two years and we talked less and less. I began to accept this point in our friendship, but my bitterness towards Ben's journey and call began to take form of how I felt about the Church. I was hurt and wounded and it was her fault. This was easy to do because I was at a bible college that rejected anything Catholic. I embraced the Christian theology I was taught and began to learn as much as I could. I displayed the most prideful spirit due to my bitterness. I pushed Ben and the Catholic church away while spewing any bit of the theology I knew to back up anything that wasn't Catholic. I'm ashamed and embarrassed for how I regurgitated theology that was spoon fed to me and was never truly understood.

After some time, I kept having dream after dream, conversation after conversation, and experience after experience that showed me I couldn't hide from the Church. She was persistent and patient. I started opening myself up once more and allowing myself to learn and embrace what God wanted me to hear rather than what I wanted to believe and hear. Once I took pride and being right out of the picture, I realized that the answers that I had been looking for all along were right in front of me. My own stubbornness and ignorant search to be right was what blinded me all along. I started to realize that the point wasn't the choice between Catholicism or being Protestant, the choice was God. It didn't matter where I attended church or if I preferred rituals and sacredness over upbeat songs. I loved how Mass felt and allowing reverence and sacredness to become a priority. The point was God and how I loved Him through loving the people around me. I do that best through the Catholic Church. Just as every person has an individual relationship with God, I strongly believe that we seek and find him in different ways. He speaks most loudly through the miracles and sacraments in the Church.

I've spent the last two years back in Durango- This is a whole new experience and I'm so grateful that I am back in such a beautiful place. I still go to Mass, but I'm not concerned with my salvation or if I'll make the right choice. I know I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

I still don't have all the right words or answers, but I can say that I'm ready for the next part of the adventure. I'm starting RCIA again in hopes that I'll finish this time around. I'm so ready. I'm not abandoning any truth and I'm not abandoning my brothers and sisters. I'm choosing to hear God so that I might love a little better.

I choose Him. I choose love. That's all I care about.