I love xkcd

Asbestos is bad;definitely get the one on the right--Wait, this one over here has no swine flu! Now I can't decide

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving

I've become increasingly critical of everything and everyone-Not so much the critical where I hate the world and hate everyone in it, just the kind where everyone makes me want to poke my own eyes out. I'm amazed as to how so many people function in society and think so highly of themselves. I find it interesting the way things have changed in my own worldview since high school. I talked in class, and folded cute notes about the boys liked, and wrote little emo songs. I don't talk to a great deal of people in a couple of my classes because it's painful to hear the words come out of their mouth. Since I hardly say a word -This might be a surprise to the kid I bet $20 in 7th grade that I could go 10 minutes without talking and failed within the first 5 minutes- I find that I listen and observe people I ordinarliy could care less about. I have a hard time understanding how people excuse themselves for ridiculous behaviours, make dimwitted choices, spew out garbage, and live their lives blissfully as assholes. Ultimately, I think the problem is me. I don't want to go through life in a daze where I just let God take care of everything because HE loves them. On the otherhand, I don't really feel so loving. I sit and critique how I do what they did better, how I'd articulate it, how I wouldn't be an idiot. I can think of all the ways to make the world better (aside from removing assholes) and how great it could be, but instead of doing anything about it, I just criticize and hold may nose just a little higher. The amount of annoyances and effort I put into allowing myself to even think of poking my own eye out would be put to much better use by contributing to society in a positive way. Until then, I'm the asshole.

One of the best winter days ever- I need more of these days.

It's not peace I want, not mere contentment. It's boundless joy and ecstasy for me

I'm happy and I'm content. I know that I'm finally content because I don't need to find reasons to justify why I'm full of joy. There are many things I hope to strive for and reach, but in this very moment and point in my life, I'm content. I'm REALLY looking forward to graduating and finally doing something that I have loved for so long and knowing that it is mine. I know I'm going to be an amazing teacher and I know I'm going to truly show children love. I know it won't be easy and I'll come home frustrated beyond words, but it won't stop me. I've lived most of my life doing something I thought I wouldn't fail at and running to where I would be safe. When it got hard and scary I would run to the next safety until that turned into another challenge. I am often terrified of the next few months to come and I am fearful of failing, but I can't run now because the alternative isn't where I belong or make me safe any longer.

I have come to a realization that I have a spirit of laziness at times and a lack of motivation when I'm worn down. I'm such a fighter, but I only fight when I've fallen to the point that I'm clinging. Why do I wait until such desperate measures? I want to be the person that fights like they're clinging on everyday. I wake up to go to school so that I can get a grade to stay in the ed program so that I can learn to take a test to get my license and graduate to become a teacher so that I can pay off my loans so that I can make a decent living to create a stable environment for a family. And that list does go on. I get worn out thinking of how the future never ends and I'm working so hard for something that never seems to come. I'm always thinking about the next step and how I'm going to get there and even THAT is exhausting. Maybe I am lazy, but it isn't out of apathy, it's rather out of fear, which does lead to a tired heart. I'm not necessarily fearful of not becoming a teacher, I'm afraid of the difficulties ahead of me and I'm afraid of the process being even longer than it has been. I want to wake up every morning from this day and think of the sheer joy I find in teaching and that being the only goal ahead. Thinking about right now seems so much easier and less filled with anxiety.I may even be contradicting my last blog-I'm SO happy with where I live, the people in my life, and finally feeling as though I have a community here.

I'm much too afraid of this culture consuming me. I will always strive to fight what societies poison. I even cringe at the idea of my words and my life becoming trite. I have to think of the goals even if it makes me tired. I want so badly to give my family things I wasn't able to experience. I wasn't spoiled, but I was privileged because I didn't deserve much of what I given and yet I had opportunities, experiences, and my life given to me. I hope that I can give the same to my own children, but I never want to worry about money or be consumed with where it is going to come from and constantly thinking of the next bill that comes after the next bill. That is prison. I want to be debt free, but I also want think like a minimalist and have a heart of thankfulness. The more I have to be thankful for the less things I need to be thankful for. I know that God will graciously give this, but I it IS a privilege and I know that it's worth working for.