I'm happy and I'm content. I know that I'm finally content because I don't need to find reasons to justify why I'm full of joy. There are many things I hope to strive for and reach, but in this very moment and point in my life, I'm content. I'm REALLY looking forward to graduating and finally doing something that I have loved for so long and knowing that it is mine. I know I'm going to be an amazing teacher and I know I'm going to truly show children love. I know it won't be easy and I'll come home frustrated beyond words, but it won't stop me. I've lived most of my life doing something I thought I wouldn't fail at and running to where I would be safe. When it got hard and scary I would run to the next safety until that turned into another challenge. I am often terrified of the next few months to come and I am fearful of failing, but I can't run now because the alternative isn't where I belong or make me safe any longer.
I have come to a realization that I have a spirit of laziness at times and a lack of motivation when I'm worn down. I'm such a fighter, but I only fight when I've fallen to the point that I'm clinging. Why do I wait until such desperate measures? I want to be the person that fights like they're clinging on everyday. I wake up to go to school so that I can get a grade to stay in the ed program so that I can learn to take a test to get my license and graduate to become a teacher so that I can pay off my loans so that I can make a decent living to create a stable environment for a family. And that list does go on. I get worn out thinking of how the future never ends and I'm working so hard for something that never seems to come. I'm always thinking about the next step and how I'm going to get there and even THAT is exhausting. Maybe I am lazy, but it isn't out of apathy, it's rather out of fear, which does lead to a tired heart. I'm not necessarily fearful of not becoming a teacher, I'm afraid of the difficulties ahead of me and I'm afraid of the process being even longer than it has been. I want to wake up every morning from this day and think of the sheer joy I find in teaching and that being the only goal ahead. Thinking about right now seems so much easier and less filled with anxiety.I may even be contradicting my last blog-I'm SO happy with where I live, the people in my life, and finally feeling as though I have a community here.
I'm much too afraid of this culture consuming me. I will always strive to fight what societies poison. I even cringe at the idea of my words and my life becoming trite. I have to think of the goals even if it makes me tired. I want so badly to give my family things I wasn't able to experience. I wasn't spoiled, but I was privileged because I didn't deserve much of what I given and yet I had opportunities, experiences, and my life given to me. I hope that I can give the same to my own children, but I never want to worry about money or be consumed with where it is going to come from and constantly thinking of the next bill that comes after the next bill. That is prison. I want to be debt free, but I also want think like a minimalist and have a heart of thankfulness. The more I have to be thankful for the less things I need to be thankful for. I know that God will graciously give this, but I it IS a privilege and I know that it's worth working for.
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