It's funny how content and happy one can be and be missing so much. Perhaps I've learned to find joy in the little things and knowing because I have God, I have everything. I've never feared expressing myself because I know myself better than anything and I'm confident in the woman I have come to know. I feel things and I know they're real, but I haven't always believed they matter. For the brief time I found myself in St. Louis where I had a community encouraging and affirming, I felt safe and secure. I've lost that security in a sense. I now see a great deal that I took for granted and a need that is crucial to the survival of the soul. I know where my worth is and I know how much strength and growth I've endured to get where I am- yet here I sit needing that affirmation. I know it in my heart and in my head because of who God says I am, but the encouragement I received from those that choose to love me really meant the world. When life starts to crumble at my feet and discouragement surrounds, just those few words became sacred. I don't think most realize how powerful the words of an encourager truly are.I've always believed that you speak things into life. We don't realize how much one needs to be affirmed not as a constant reminder, but perhaps even more than that.
I look to future more often than I focus on the present or the past because it's something I'm investing in and hope holds better days. I almost wonder if this is deeply routed through generations. Every person I know looks to future because it holds something for us, a hope,desire, and change. I am able to create wonderful dreams, but there's so much here in front of me. I become discouraged if I look at myself today or look at where my feet are planted. I am constantly weighing my success in what I will one day accomplish. I am overwhelmed with a feeling of joy and incredible happiness when I think of becoming a successful teacher and graduating. I have been waiting for the day to finally make someone proud and to make myself proud and that day always seems so out of reach. Perhaps it's God's way of showing me that I'm worth that pride and joy now. I do believe that I have something to offer, I'm a good person and have a great deal of love, but it has lost its tangibility. Everyone feels a sense of accomplishment and joy by sowing into something. I have school, which I enjoy and I get excited about and I love my job. I have a wonderful boyfriend and new friendships I'm learning to pour into. I realize I've been my own enemy the past year. In order to feel that intimacy and have that support I so desperately need, I have to create it myself. I have to put myself out in the open and be vulnerable. In the past I felt like I was influencing lives, I brought something to the table even if it was for a laugh, but I don't see the results of what I've sown and that's what is ultimately discouraging. The only words I hear of what I've accomplished are the words I speak. The only words I hear about what I'm doing in this moment belongs to me. I know my Father is proud and He takes joy in who I am, but why do my efforts seem as though in vain? I take pride in my own work, I am incredible with kids, it's the easiest and most satisfying aspect of my life, I am patient, I'm kind, and I'm learning to be gentle, assertive, and confident. I don't want to be who I used to be because I love who I am now, I think I'm just waiting to find people who love me now, too. I know my friends and family love me now just as much as they did yesterday an the days before and I am not seeking approval. For the first time in my life I not longer crave approval. Ironically I'm more confident than ever in who I've become and who I'm becoming. In a sense I'm childlike in that I am so excited about so much in my life. I just want to hear the excitement in the voices other than my own.
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