You know how there seems to be a certain season for everything? It seems that this fall is the season for breakups. The idea of romantic love and relationships has made me think A LOT lately. Recently I read a journal entry I had written during the summer of 08' and that was one eventful and heart wrenching summer at that. And yes, it was due to a guy in my life. I felt physically and emotionally crushed and all the other yucky stuff that goes with getting your heart broken. What was different about that experience, was the way I reacted and how I was going to move forward. Obviously the only thing you can do when you've had your heart ripped out and stomped on, is to pick up all the pieces and move forward. Reading back through what I had written, I wrote about how vulnerability was essentially the only way to truly love. To give your heart completely and take risk after risk no matter what. I believed that 100% then and I have to believe that is what allowed me to take chances and risks after that. It's so easy to hide your heart away and swear off another relationship or the opposite sex, but what good does that really do? C.S Lewis was a very smart man, "Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
Over the past few years as I've learned and experienced more of life, I see a need to protect and guard my own heart. Not out of distrust, but because of how valuable the human heart really is. For myself, I want to be known completely and still be loved, cherished, and accepted with everything that is good and bad. Within in a marriage, I see that as one of the most cherished and valued things one can possess. For the first time in my life, I was in a position where I had no choice but to protect my heart and guard it. I feel safe...safer. I have more control and there aren't all the messy pieces to pick up. This feels good, but that's it. Good. I'm finding that this isn't always as rewarding. Yes, you may get hurt like you've never been hurt before, but you felt something real, no hesitations, no walls, no expectations. But that other person would really see you. ALL of you. I suppose it comes down to how willing you are to take risks. I'm at a place where I see choices and risks and there has to be a moment where you decide if you're 100% in. I like knowing that I gave everything and then failed or I gave everything and succeeded. Failure isn't really the best example because I don't equate success with relationship, but you get the point.
One of my favorite movies is 500 Days of Summer and I love this movie because it's more realistic than most love stories I've seen in a movie. In fact, the narrator even says in the beginning, "This isn't a love story". The movie portrays a guy madly in love with a girl and they have an incredible time together. You see them grow, laugh, cry, love, and have fun. As with most movies, you watch hoping that guy gets girl and they live happily ever after. Fortunately, that's not real life. Yes, I mean fortunately. Towards the end of the movie they have a conversation that actually makes me smile even though the guy doesn't get girl. "You weren't wrong, you were just wrong about me." I love that quote because it emphasizes how much good there is even if it doesn't turn out the way you thought. Suffering isn't something to hide from or to become bitter because it found you, it's something to be fully embraced.
People change and life changes regardless of whether you're ready for it to happen or not. I try and embrace change as much as possible, but there are so many times I'm left going, "Uh, actually I'd prefer not, thanks though". To be honest, I think that's what scares me the most about relationships, people, and marriage. For those of you that know me well, marriage is something I value and cherish because it IS sacred. This is the one thing I don't want to mess up or get wrong. Life has informed me that there are no guarantees and you have no control over other people. You basically commit with faith that the other person you're with values marriage just as much as you do. I would imagine this is why it's so important to marry the "right" person. I have a lot of love to give and marriage is something that is 100%, so I don't take it lightly. I think this is where the ultimate risk comes in and there's no one foot in and the other foot out. And definitely no shaking it all about. I often go back and forth from feeling ready to be married and then feeling so young and inexperienced. I think I'm realizing that it's not the age you get married that matters, it's finding the person that you're ready for. When I was younger I used to view marriage as a destination and that was it. Today I'm incredibly excited to be a wife someday and give myself completely to my husband, but it's a journey and the journey keeps going. That makes me excited and also keeps me patient.
Until I am faced with the ultimate risk, I'm loving working on me and the type of woman I want to be independent of anything else. It's amazing to me how much life there is to experience and I don't want to miss out. The more I understand myself and love myself, the more I have to give. For now I'll enjoy the fact that I'm willingly vulnerable :)
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