The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning to work on becoming yourself.

I may not know all the answers, but I know when to admit that I'm wrong

I may not be great with articulating thoughts, but I know how much power words hold

I may not be competitive, but I never give up

I may not may not be making lots of money, but I know what's truly valuable

I may not be confrontational, but I know when to stand up for myself

I may not be fearless, but I'm courageous

I may not dress the part, but I love my role

I may not be funny, but I know when to laugh at myself

I may not be fashionable or trendy, but I'm absolutely comfortable and confident in my own skin

I may not know all the tricks and strategies, but I give all of myself

I may not have been there, but I have an imagination like you wouldn't believe

I may not do everything on my own, but am strong and independent

I may not make all the best choices, but I'll never stop growing

I may not have been around for very long, but I've got a million stories to tell

I may not be the best soccer player, cyclist, rock climber, skier, or snowboarder, but I know how to jump in the river, make snow angels, crunch leaves with my feet, and love every second of being outdoors

I may not always be serious, but I've got a genuine smile

I may not have accomplished or explored a lot of things, but I'm always willing to give it a try

I may not like bananas, but I'll eat one for my kid someday to show that mommy isn't a hypocrite

I may not be good with numbers, but I know how valuable time is

I may not eat many cookies, but I'll bake you a million if you like

I may not know much about wine, but I've got intrigue and some tastes buds that like to learn

I may not be sophisticated, but I know when to be classy

I may not have a lot of experience, but I know how to truly love

I may not have met all my own expectations, but I know myself

I may not have everything planned out, but I've got grit, fire, and determination

I'd say the words, but you already know.

For now I'll wander with purpose.

Deliciousness

Today I had one of the best Tomatoe Bisques in Durango- I'm not sure that's really saying much, but for 2.50 a cup, my tummy was cozy and content. As for the rest of me, I'm one happy camper. The point, winter calls for happy tummies and some tomatoe bisque. mmmmhmm.

"New Map"

There's a hole in your heart, begging for adventure.
Play yourself a new track, set traps for the future.
On your own.
Can you do it?
The unknown.
Can you face it?

Shifting desire, shifting desire, shifting desire...

Rules of conformity, heavy clouds of reason.
They're hiding the beauty of your free distortions.
On your own.
Can you do it?
The unknown.
Can you face it?
With your soul, now you see it.
The landscape is infinite.

Shifting desire, shifting desire, shifting desire...



Lyrics by M83

I haven't had many words lately, so for now I'll let this speak for my heart:

Love and hold nothing back

You know how there seems to be a certain season for everything? It seems that this fall is the season for breakups. The idea of romantic love and relationships has made me think A LOT lately. Recently I read a journal entry I had written during the summer of 08' and that was one eventful and heart wrenching summer at that. And yes, it was due to a guy in my life. I felt physically and emotionally crushed and all the other yucky stuff that goes with getting your heart broken. What was different about that experience, was the way I reacted and how I was going to move forward. Obviously the only thing you can do when you've had your heart ripped out and stomped on, is to pick up all the pieces and move forward. Reading back through what I had written, I wrote about how vulnerability was essentially the only way to truly love. To give your heart completely and take risk after risk no matter what. I believed that 100% then and I have to believe that is what allowed me to take chances and risks after that. It's so easy to hide your heart away and swear off another relationship or the opposite sex, but what good does that really do? C.S Lewis was a very smart man, "Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

Over the past few years as I've learned and experienced more of life, I see a need to protect and guard my own heart. Not out of distrust, but because of how valuable the human heart really is. For myself, I want to be known completely and still be loved, cherished, and accepted with everything that is good and bad. Within in a marriage, I see that as one of the most cherished and valued things one can possess. For the first time in my life, I was in a position where I had no choice but to protect my heart and guard it. I feel safe...safer. I have more control and there aren't all the messy pieces to pick up. This feels good, but that's it. Good. I'm finding that this isn't always as rewarding. Yes, you may get hurt like you've never been hurt before, but you felt something real, no hesitations, no walls, no expectations. But that other person would really see you. ALL of you. I suppose it comes down to how willing you are to take risks. I'm at a place where I see choices and risks and there has to be a moment where you decide if you're 100% in. I like knowing that I gave everything and then failed or I gave everything and succeeded. Failure isn't really the best example because I don't equate success with relationship, but you get the point.

One of my favorite movies is 500 Days of Summer and I love this movie because it's more realistic than most love stories I've seen in a movie. In fact, the narrator even says in the beginning, "This isn't a love story". The movie portrays a guy madly in love with a girl and they have an incredible time together. You see them grow, laugh, cry, love, and have fun. As with most movies, you watch hoping that guy gets girl and they live happily ever after. Fortunately, that's not real life. Yes, I mean fortunately. Towards the end of the movie they have a conversation that actually makes me smile even though the guy doesn't get girl. "You weren't wrong, you were just wrong about me." I love that quote because it emphasizes how much good there is even if it doesn't turn out the way you thought. Suffering isn't something to hide from or to become bitter because it found you, it's something to be fully embraced.

People change and life changes regardless of whether you're ready for it to happen or not. I try and embrace change as much as possible, but there are so many times I'm left going, "Uh, actually I'd prefer not, thanks though". To be honest, I think that's what scares me the most about relationships, people, and marriage. For those of you that know me well, marriage is something I value and cherish because it IS sacred. This is the one thing I don't want to mess up or get wrong. Life has informed me that there are no guarantees and you have no control over other people. You basically commit with faith that the other person you're with values marriage just as much as you do. I would imagine this is why it's so important to marry the "right" person. I have a lot of love to give and marriage is something that is 100%, so I don't take it lightly. I think this is where the ultimate risk comes in and there's no one foot in and the other foot out. And definitely no shaking it all about. I often go back and forth from feeling ready to be married and then feeling so young and inexperienced. I think I'm realizing that it's not the age you get married that matters, it's finding the person that you're ready for. When I was younger I used to view marriage as a destination and that was it. Today I'm incredibly excited to be a wife someday and give myself completely to my husband, but it's a journey and the journey keeps going. That makes me excited and also keeps me patient.

Until I am faced with the ultimate risk, I'm loving working on me and the type of woman I want to be independent of anything else. It's amazing to me how much life there is to experience and I don't want to miss out. The more I understand myself and love myself, the more I have to give. For now I'll enjoy the fact that I'm willingly vulnerable :)

I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself

Finally all moved into my new place-
Note to self: GET RID OF CLOTHES. I had several trashbags full of clothes and I still have more. I'm really happy with where I'm living and the people I'm living with. I'll have to post more pictures of the house later, but here's my room. I still have some decorating and possible rearranging, but it's a really awesome space. I'm really digging the hardwood floors and the colors. So here is a peek at my room in progress :)