Time to pretend

I'm not sure what prompted me to start blogging again, but it's nice to do it again. I deleted a blog I kept through high school and my freshman year of college, it felt so good to delete that thing. I hated reading back over all the things I had once written...I think mostly I just wanted to forget and majority of it wasn't even worth remembering because I did forget until I read back over it. The only thing I gained was knowing who I never want to be again. I don't want my blog to be just a place I complain about everything that sucks in my life. I'm actually pretty lucky to have the life that I do and when I step back and look at everything, I smile. I've had so many questions and random thoughts lately that I just want to put them all down so I don't go crazy. I'm not sure my brain every really stops running in circles. I wish I had a call center somewhere in my brain to just take all the questions and I could rest for a while.

Dream group has been one of the most incredible things I've been able to experience and be a part of. I forgot just how intense and wonderful it really is to be a part of something that like that. My dreams are bringing epiphanies left and right and there are so many directions I want to run straight towards because something is making sense. I seriously forgot how much of our unconscious finds its way into our waking life. All the fears brought up through dreams represent things I need to face instead of running from them. The second I acknowledge what's really scaring me, my dreams stop bringing the same image up and I find rest and closure there.

I have so much to wonder about and am in constant awe at how life works and effects so many people. I find strangers and people in general so fascinating, but I always wonder if anyone finds me interesting. I used to think that I was unique and my positive bubbly personality is what drew people to me, but maybe no one really cares. Then I start to wonder why everyone is so "me" focused (facebook, myspace...). If I'm honest with myself, I know that I probably have a little self centeredness myself. I don't really think of myself as something special that the world needs to see or know, but I like to think that I'm fascinating to someone in this world. It's sort of like when someone adores you, there's nothing that makes you feel more special than being adored. I know that the people in my life love and care about me immensely, but are they ever intrigued? Does my rambling ever evoke any thought or pondering? Sometimes I come across people I know very little about and yet I'm fascinated as they tell stories, jokes, dreams, and passions. What happened to intimacy? We'd rather stay in silence than dig a little deeper. I see a treasure chest that's buried deep within the ground and no one wants to dig it out because they're tired, they don't have time, or they're afraid of what they'll find. But the one person that digs the treasure knows exactly what they have found and how precious it is. Everyone no matter how scared they are, at their core wants to be known. To be known and accepted. That's why I love so easily and so much, the reward is endless.

I'm alone for the first time in a week and it feels so good to be with my thoughts as they linger and dance around too quickly to make any sense.

My journey is yet another vine clinging to my heart. My whole life I've always moved forward because time continues whether you want it to or now. I believe and cling to change with faith, but what about the journey on the way? I think it's easier to keep looking ahead because it makes the present appear stable. My best friends are married or getting married and every time I look around someone else is engaged or having a baby. I'm elated at the blessings and adventures headed their way. I see myself having a family someday and I can't even begin to articulate the dreams I have for that to happen someday. I've looked ahead for so long that reality is catching up to me. I am still young and have so much ahead of me and much to learn, but I have been recently slapped in the face with the reality that I'm not a kid anymore. I watch silly shows on t.v about girls in high school and I remember all the things I thought and felt about love, life, and where I would be. I think of all my friends beginning their lives forever with another person...that is really scary. I've never been scared like this before. Do people ever question if they'll miss the feeling of falling in love, or a first kiss, or the butterflies inside their tummies? I start to ask this and then I realize how much better all of the other firsts will be once they are married. The butterflies don't have to go away and falling in love doesn't just stop. I think people let that happen, but what do I know? I'm just a little whippersnapper. Love honestly leaves me in awe. I'm excited by love because it's a mystery and I want to figure it out. I don't think it's a game where you win or lose or even finish. The best mysteries always leave you with questions. I'm looking forward to finding more treasure and seeing more of myself as I see more of someone else. I think of Kevin and his heart and how much I know and how much more there is to know and that excites me. Love doesn't stop growing, but it changes. It's a beautiful change

Maybe I'm not fascinating, but I'm content knowing that I have a heart so big I can love more than there are words and I know when my soul speaks.