I feel like picking up and moving to another state that I've never been to and I know no one. I've done it before and I somewhat miss the feelings along with the adventure. I've been on many adventures until now and I have loved every second of it. As much as I want to pick up and move to somewhere new, something inside me has changed. I'm more determined not to run, avoid, or forget how to make this place here and now an adventure. I love Durango and all the quirkiness that it entails. Picking up and moving has been what I've done and my heart has been preparing for a new place and ready to move on even though I have no plans of doing that. I lived in Durango for a year, then back to Lakewood for a few months, St. Louis for 2 1/2 years, and then in Durango. I've been in Durango again for 2 years and it's almost becoming too comfortable and predictable. I have to wonder if I'm afraid of the predictable and afraid of things becoming mundane and mediocre. I have always promised myself that I would not every succumb to living a mediocre life. My solution has always been to move on when I felt that I lived that place to its full potential. I don't believe it is time to leave Durango again, I need to find that mystery and excitement once more in the place I have become so comfortable.
The problem is me.
I am ready to live here and begin a life. I have focused so much on school and work that I have forgotten how to live for the things that bring me joy. I fight to be independent and to constantly grow and yet I have crippled myself. I love my work and I love the life that I have created, but that cannot be the only fruit I produce. I am full of gifts and joy that hasn't been shared. I crave to have stories full of happiness and pure joy that a 24 year old woman should have. Not the stories filled with alcohol and stupidity, but stories of real living.
I am convinced more than ever that I am the only one that can create the life that I want to live and I am ready to make that happen. Yes, I will be moving, but moving towards a life worth living and telling about. Not so that everyone will ooo and ahhh at my wonderful stories, but so that I will smile knowing that my story is worth telling. I have led a life where emotions took such great power and control over decisions and the way I felt going into each day. I believe what I feel is important and provides great intuition as well as guidance, but I can no longer allow it to take the forefront of my life. I never understood how one could control their emotions and I honestly viewed this "control" as lying about what one felt. There has to be a balance because I do have free will and I choose how much I am going to let something define the way I see life. The past few months have been a roller coaster at my own doing and I am at a fork in the road. There's no going back, just a choice. It is in fact black and white. I can let the heartache, confusion, anger, jealousy, and guilt lead me or I can choose to take my life with joy,take comfort in not knowing, let what I cannot change go and move one foot at a time.
There are no words to even explain how I got to this point, but I know that I was lead to this road so that I might make a deeper change. Sometimes we make choices or allow things to happen we would not ordinarily dream of because there is no other way for us to grow. I can't say that I am regretful, I feel more reflected and grateful for the opportunity to change. I find that my self-talk is most crucial at this point because it is the thoughts that create the feelings negative or positive. How easy it has been to tell myself that I am just not that girl and I am who I am. Wishing I could do more adventurous and outdoorsy things or being kind and articulate are things I am consumed with. Why should I not be that girl? My core will always be consistent, but I have the strength and courage to say yes.
I have been thinking constantly about all the things I wish to be and the things I wish to do and here are a few:
I will be girl worth missing- not easy to forget
I will go on long hikes alone
I will finish school with less stress than I have in the past because I have not created the stress for myself
I want to save more diligently for the future
I am going to join Teachers Without Borders
I am going to run more often
I am going to rock climb
I am going to meet more people
I am going to find another fruitful job that I enjoy
I am going to be courageous
I am not going to let people walk all over me and take advantage of my kindness
I am not going to remain in a relationship where I am not appreciated or treated with the same kindness and respect
I am not going to put others' happiness before my own
I am going to spend more time doing things alone and with people I enjoy who share the same zeal for life.
Dear wander lust,
You may never know the impact you have had on my life or know the amount of chaos you have created inside my heart. I am not bitter and I am not angry, I am thankful. You have shaken up and turned my life upside down. I may never if it was out of selfishness or the amount you cared for the gifts I gave. I thank you for waking my soul and showing me a part of myself that I never knew existed. You showed me just how amazing my life is and should be without saying a word. I may never see your face again, know the answers I ask for everyday or forget the things we've shared. I can honestly smile because you ran away from something pure and courageous. I am not perfect and I'm not that little girl you think you've left behind hurt and wandering. Thank you for breaking my heart, the best gift anyone could have given.
Sometimes you really do avoid the dodge ball and it feels that much sweeter.
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