Today I had one of the best Tomatoe Bisques in Durango- I'm not sure that's really saying much, but for 2.50 a cup, my tummy was cozy and content. As for the rest of me, I'm one happy camper. The point, winter calls for happy tummies and some tomatoe bisque. mmmmhmm.
There's a hole in your heart, begging for adventure. Play yourself a new track, set traps for the future. On your own. Can you do it? The unknown. Can you face it?
Rules of conformity, heavy clouds of reason. They're hiding the beauty of your free distortions. On your own. Can you do it? The unknown. Can you face it? With your soul, now you see it. The landscape is infinite.
You know how there seems to be a certain season for everything? It seems that this fall is the season for breakups. The idea of romantic love and relationships has made me think A LOT lately. Recently I read a journal entry I had written during the summer of 08' and that was one eventful and heart wrenching summer at that. And yes, it was due to a guy in my life. I felt physically and emotionally crushed and all the other yucky stuff that goes with getting your heart broken. What was different about that experience, was the way I reacted and how I was going to move forward. Obviously the only thing you can do when you've had your heart ripped out and stomped on, is to pick up all the pieces and move forward. Reading back through what I had written, I wrote about how vulnerability was essentially the only way to truly love. To give your heart completely and take risk after risk no matter what. I believed that 100% then and I have to believe that is what allowed me to take chances and risks after that. It's so easy to hide your heart away and swear off another relationship or the opposite sex, but what good does that really do? C.S Lewis was a very smart man, "Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
Over the past few years as I've learned and experienced more of life, I see a need to protect and guard my own heart. Not out of distrust, but because of how valuable the human heart really is. For myself, I want to be known completely and still be loved, cherished, and accepted with everything that is good and bad. Within in a marriage, I see that as one of the most cherished and valued things one can possess. For the first time in my life, I was in a position where I had no choice but to protect my heart and guard it. I feel safe...safer. I have more control and there aren't all the messy pieces to pick up. This feels good, but that's it. Good. I'm finding that this isn't always as rewarding. Yes, you may get hurt like you've never been hurt before, but you felt something real, no hesitations, no walls, no expectations. But that other person would really see you. ALL of you. I suppose it comes down to how willing you are to take risks. I'm at a place where I see choices and risks and there has to be a moment where you decide if you're 100% in. I like knowing that I gave everything and then failed or I gave everything and succeeded. Failure isn't really the best example because I don't equate success with relationship, but you get the point.
One of my favorite movies is 500 Days of Summer and I love this movie because it's more realistic than most love stories I've seen in a movie. In fact, the narrator even says in the beginning, "This isn't a love story". The movie portrays a guy madly in love with a girl and they have an incredible time together. You see them grow, laugh, cry, love, and have fun. As with most movies, you watch hoping that guy gets girl and they live happily ever after. Fortunately, that's not real life. Yes, I mean fortunately. Towards the end of the movie they have a conversation that actually makes me smile even though the guy doesn't get girl. "You weren't wrong, you were just wrong about me." I love that quote because it emphasizes how much good there is even if it doesn't turn out the way you thought. Suffering isn't something to hide from or to become bitter because it found you, it's something to be fully embraced.
People change and life changes regardless of whether you're ready for it to happen or not. I try and embrace change as much as possible, but there are so many times I'm left going, "Uh, actually I'd prefer not, thanks though". To be honest, I think that's what scares me the most about relationships, people, and marriage. For those of you that know me well, marriage is something I value and cherish because it IS sacred. This is the one thing I don't want to mess up or get wrong. Life has informed me that there are no guarantees and you have no control over other people. You basically commit with faith that the other person you're with values marriage just as much as you do. I would imagine this is why it's so important to marry the "right" person. I have a lot of love to give and marriage is something that is 100%, so I don't take it lightly. I think this is where the ultimate risk comes in and there's no one foot in and the other foot out. And definitely no shaking it all about. I often go back and forth from feeling ready to be married and then feeling so young and inexperienced. I think I'm realizing that it's not the age you get married that matters, it's finding the person that you're ready for. When I was younger I used to view marriage as a destination and that was it. Today I'm incredibly excited to be a wife someday and give myself completely to my husband, but it's a journey and the journey keeps going. That makes me excited and also keeps me patient.
Until I am faced with the ultimate risk, I'm loving working on me and the type of woman I want to be independent of anything else. It's amazing to me how much life there is to experience and I don't want to miss out. The more I understand myself and love myself, the more I have to give. For now I'll enjoy the fact that I'm willingly vulnerable :)
Finally all moved into my new place- Note to self: GET RID OF CLOTHES. I had several trashbags full of clothes and I still have more. I'm really happy with where I'm living and the people I'm living with. I'll have to post more pictures of the house later, but here's my room. I still have some decorating and possible rearranging, but it's a really awesome space. I'm really digging the hardwood floors and the colors. So here is a peek at my room in progress :)
I can't get enough of my favorite flower (okay, so it's a weed, but it's still my favorite!) and they're EVERYWHERE. I think that's why early fall is my favorite time of the year, the weather is perfect and Durango is absolutely beautiful. The best part is I can pick as many of them as I want and no one will care AND there are thousands of them along my drive home. They make my heart warm.
Copeland has been one of my favorite bands if not my top favorite band for quite a few years now. Copeland has been my home and comfort through some of the best times an some of the worst times. I've always thought of Aaron Marsh as one of the most phenomenal songwriters and musicians and I'm so incredibly happy to learn that he's been writing again. I was deeply saddened to learn that Copeland was no longer because I've always wanted to see Aaron Marsh play live. Anyway, the song, "She Changes Your Mind" is one of my all time favorite songs. I smile a lot thinking of the many times I sat in Ben's spacepod of a car listening to the song or going on night time drives with Ana. That was such a beautiful time in my life and a pretty beautiful song. I'm sharing that song along with Aaron's most recent project, The Lulls in Traffic. Enoy :)
Last night I had one of the worst dreams I’ve had in a long while and I think it’s a reflection of how passionately I feel about children and teaching. I woke up crying, which hasn’t happened in a long time. I can never really remember the very beginning of any dream, but I remember being in a foreign place in a school yard as school was getting out. As kids were coming out of doors, I heard gun shots and I ran towards the sound. I never actually saw who was doing the shooting, but I came across several babies and toddlers that had been shot. The dream was super fuzzy time wise, but I vividly remember going down a hallway and seeing a child no more than two years old, she was dead. No one else was around and I felt like it had been an hour that all of this had happened and not one cop, not one ambulance, not one person rushing to these children. I knelt down and picked up this little girl I did not know and began to wail. I don’t know that I can even describe the anguish I felt in my dream. I was screaming and crying for someone’s baby who deserved to be alive and had worth. I heard little noises coming from a few feet away and it was another child. As I turned towards the other child another person came down the hallway and asked if I there was something we could do. I looked at the child barely alive and said, “No one is coming, there’s absolutely no way she’s going to live.” As I said those words, her eyes just closed and she died.
Dreams are something that I’ve always paid close attention to because they are so often full of vivid images and intense emotions. My dream was in fact morbid and my first instinct would be to say, that was one screwed up dream and then forget about it. As I wrote this dream down in my dream journal, I kept thinking of the past summer and the reflecting I’ve been doing this last week. All of which has been about school, work, my own childhood, and loving children.
Last Thursday I was substituting for another teacher and I had a very challenging experience with one of the new kids in the class. A round faced 3 year old boy with his own mission to be accomplished. Unfortunately, his mission did not consist of anything I wanted him to do or any of the rules and routines. As the day went on I became increasingly annoyed and frustrated with this kid. He barely spoke to anyone or to me and when asked a question I would get nothing. He understood everything I was saying, but would choose to walk away mid sentence. While I was watching some of the kids on the playground I noticed this boy taking apart something that he shouldn’t have. I’ve always been told that what I had to say is ten times more effective if I go to the child and talk with them eye level than to yell across the playground. I asked him to come down and talk to me for a second and that I wasn’t going to yell, I just wanted to talk to him. He looked at me and stood there. I gave him a choice: I was going to help him come down or he could come down by himself. Without one word or movement, he made the choice. I started up the climber and realized the fun game I had created. He began to bolt for the slide as I climbed up stairs getting angrier and angrier. I turned around and met him at the bottom of the slide and sort of laughed at myself. What did I expect from a three year old? Heck, I would have loved to play a game of chase with my teachers on the climber. He saw a game and played it. He and I talked and he responded with one word, “yes”. The rest of the afternoon was my frustration level rose. With most of the kids, I give them simple step by step directions for each transition and it’s the same everyday. They all know the routine and yet this one boy was provoking a frustration I didn’t care for. I started asking him to do one thing at a time and he’d wander off. At this point I was angry and I think a part of me wanted to yell and get the point across. IT ISN’T HARD.
How could I get so frustrated at this child who has probably never been in a childcare facility, doesn’t really want to be there, doesn’t really know the other kids, and has some bossy teacher lady he just met telling him what to do. I felt like an idiot. A meanie face idiot.
Sometimes in our logical grownup minds, we forget what it’s like to be a young child and the way the world looks. Not to excuse bad behavior or to dismiss every defiant thing a child does, but to bring understanding into the picture. As I looked at how I had been dealing with this boy, I realized I had been going about it all wrong. I started talking to him and asking him question. If I was going to have to guide him through something as simple as washing his hands or throwing away his napkin, so be it. I explained why we had to do every little thing and that it would be something he would do everyday. He said very little until nap and laid down for rest. After he had woken up from his nap and started to put on his shoes, he ran up to me with his shoes back on his feet and exclaimed, “Look Miss!!! Eyes and teeth!!!” I looked down and saw that his croc’s had eyes on the toes and little holes around the front to look like teeth. I smiled and he grabbed my hand to play with him. The rest of the day he came to me asking questions and showing me all the things he had found throughout the classroom. I smiled because I knew that if I hadn’t stopped my anger and frustration and thought about what he was thinking, he wouldn’t have opened up like that. I suddenly saw a little boy that was scared and just wanted someone to pay attention and help him, not someone to yell at him.
I left work that day thinking of my own father and that brought me to tears because I knew how I felt at three years old being screamed at. I couldn’t really tell you all the things he yelled at me for. I’m sure there were many occasions I probably deserved it, but there were too many times I didn’t. My father taught me to fear him. When he screamed at the top of his lungs, I didn’t hear a word about what I was doing wrong and I didn’t understand what I should’ve done differently. I just knew that I made him angry and I was absolutely terrified. When my brother and I would visit my dad on weekends, we would stand behind his couch as my dad watched TV and bribe each other to tell our dad we were ready for lunch or that we wanted to go outside and play. Let me just say for the record, my father was NEVER physically abusive and I never thought I was going to be hit. I was just terrified of being screamed at for any sort of interruption or movement. I look back on visiting with my dad without anger or bitterness, but a sadness and determination. I love my father and I could list all the possible reasons of why he was the way he was and I know he loved my brother and I very much despite the screaming. I believe this has brought more determination to be the type of mother and teacher I desire so much. I don’t know all the right ways to raise a child or even teach and I’m not going to pretend that I know more than my own parents, but I see something in children that allows me to see the world in a very unique way.
If anyone knows me well, they know that I love children more than anything else. I’m passionate and driven to show children the same pure love that they show me. When I look at a child, I see worth. I want so badly for every child I come across to know they are valuable and have something to give in this world. I honestly can’t imagine anything more rewarding or better to give my life to. As I continue on my journey as a teacher and perhaps a mom, I’ll keep praying every day for the yearning to possess a gentle yet firm spirit and the humility to remind me when I’m wrong.
Thanks to a very wonderful woman in my life, I was quickly reminded of the choices I have made up to this point and the very choices I have avoided throughout my journey to know who God really is and what He wanted from me. I've always found it ironic and somewhat chilling how God opens doors at the perfect time. Timing is everything and I've always believed in God's timing and waiting for that, but I've been even more impressed with our freedom to make choices. I've seen so many people throughout my life and I have been one of those people who constantly blamed God or the world for letting awful things happen. I see it as though God is actively involved in our lives and allows for some really bad things to happen regardless of whether we like it or not in order to understand. Sometimes our parents let us suffer consequences and learn the "hard way" because there are some things we're just too prideful or stubborn to learn otherwise. I'm continuously learning that I am given choices everyday and what I choose to do each moment of each day is something that I own and take responsibility for. I have made some pretty terrible choices and some really good choices, all of which have worked out for the greater good. One of the many things I love about God, is that fact that even when we suffer consequences at our own hands, He provides some good. As trite as it sounds, everything truly is meant for a reason. As the silly and crass dog, Wilfred says, "Everything is about Everything".
I become excited and passionate about all the serendipitous things that have happened throughout the past 6 years, but I digress. Through a very seemingly coincidental conversation with an amazing girl I met while in St. Louis, I was began pondering how I got to this very moment in my faith and how God's providence unfolded allowing for each decision to become clearer than the last.
When I think about the journey, I think of it more as an adventure with a lot of mystery, excitement, fear, and a heck of a lot of uncertainty along the way. That's the way a real adventure should be. My senior year of high school I dated a very kind and yet very pious boy named, Theo. Although that relationship was short lived, he became one of the most influential best friends I would have. I grew up always knowing there was a God and I knew I loved Him. I can't say that my faith went much further than an occasional church gathering and prayers when I was hurting and afraid of the unknown. Theo was pushy, let's just get it out there. I love him dearly, but he was not afraid to step on toes and be bold with his words. I was absolutely overwhelmed, baffled, and very annoyed at the time, but I have come to admire and value that boldness in him. Not so much the pushiness, but the fact that he stood his ground and had such a determination for what he knew was right. He wanted to share it with me and I'm so grateful that he did. He soon introduced to me his closest friends, Ben, John, and Steve. We became Wendy and the Lost Boys the summer after graduation. I spent my entire summer growing in my passion for life and music. Theo and Ben were very devout Catholics and I respected them for that despite my disinterest in the Catholic faith. They never ceased to bring up very intentional conversations in my presence and I became curious. Very curious.
I soon packed up my room and headed off for my first year of college in Durango where I knew no one and I was on my own. I had no one to answer to and I was free from the controlling environment I had endured growing up. Honestly, I was ready to do what I wanted and be selfish because I finally could. I did just that and met as many people as I could and found out what the partying was all about. I quickly found out that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Ben would call me on weekends, message me on myspace, and talk with me through AIM about life in Durango and encourage me each weekend to go to church, move and do something. The worse my selfishness became, the more I loathed who I had become. I vividly remember the moment I threw a bottle of vodka and watched it shatter on the floor. No, I wasn't an alcoholic that had suddenly realized my sickness, I was just a lost, naive, and spiritually hungry child that was tired of living a mediocre and unfulfilled life. After that point, things just started falling into place, I started meeting people who encouraged me in my faith. As Ben prayed and gave me a little push, I started to care. I cared about myself and started to find that there was a beautiful world worth living in and a lot of joy to be found.
One of the most defining and and powerful moments I have ever experienced was in Denver at a praise and worship. The seminarians ran the praise and worship, but it was open to all Christian denominations. I was intimidated and yet so curious as to what I was going to experience. I heard stories of some mysterious experiences the past few times Theo and Ben had been without me. I decided to spend one of my Christmas break evenings at the praise and worship. I was ready and open for whatever God was going to show me. I had hoped that I would see something miraculous and I kept secretly thinking that I would believe if I could only see. I tried so hard to set all expectations aside, but I was a like a wide-eyed little girl, looking at a Christmas present all wrapped up. I just wanted to know. My expectations were exceeded, not because something miraculous happened (something very astounding did happen), but because I felt the Holy Spirit in a way that I had NEVER experienced or thought possible. I burst into tears uncontrollably and that was probably the moment where my spiritual gift became crying. I was full of so much emotion that no words would suffice. I didn't have to explain, though. Ben and Theo just looked at me and smiled- I was understood. Later that evening, Ben in a conversation with another gentleman, began introducing me and was asked if I was Catholic. His response with a wide grin, "No, but she will be". I smiled half thinking, that's awful presumptuous and arrogant and the other half thinking, how could he know that? That was six years ago, I still remember that moment like it was yesterday.
As the year ended, I was faced with another choice. My best friend had decided to move back to Colorado and I could spend another year in Durango or transfer to a Christian college. I was torn at first because I was attached to the new people and experiences in my life, but I thought maybe it was time to become serious about my faith and the best way to do that was at a Christian college closer to those who built me up. I ended up choosing to move back to Lakewood. That summer, Ana, Ben,Theo, and I spent the every moment we could being silly, playing outside, and learning as much as we could about God. I started to let my guard down and allowed myself to embrace as much of the Catholic church as I could. We went to mass probably 4 times a week and spent a large amount of time with a Catholic community that Ben would later join. The Fraternas were some of the most humorous and delightful people I knew.
I started my first semester at CCU excited and wondering what would be next. I was finally at the point that I wanted to move forward with Catholicism and I really wanted to make a choice. I felt like I had to make a decision because time was running out. I started RCIA- an adult confirmation class. As winter was approaching, fear and more choices appeared. Ana was moving back to Illinois and I was left wondering if the choices I was making would be the right thing. I still loved the Catholic church, but some things were rubbing me the wrong way. Moving back to Lakewood was hard and I was ready to leave and do something different. An opportunity fell into my lap that I felt to my core that I had to leap and take a chance. I learned about a bible College in St. Louis that offered free tuition if I lived on campus. That sounded like a deal and a half because I could barely afford CCU and I still living at home. Looking back, I can admit that my motivations were perhaps to run, but what forced me to do it was the determination and peace that I HAD to do it. I honestly didn't fully understand why and I had absolutely no clue what to expect. I found out two days before I hopped on a plane and moved to St. Louis that I was accepted. I got on that plane (loopy and almost unconscious from sleeping pills) more confident and at peace for the adventure that I was about to embark on. I met Clay at the airport still loopy and probably looking like a doped up hippy from Colorado. He was holding a sign that said, "When given lemons, make lemonade". That adventure lasted 2 1/2 years and that time was invaluable. I met more of the best people I could imagine and learned more about myself and my faith than I had hoped. At this point Ben was beginning his journey in joining a Catholic community. He was ready to pursue his calling- Priesthood. I was proud and excited and yet somehow I was left slightly bitter and angry. I loved Ben as my friend and perhaps I loved him because I saw Christ in him. Through him I saw Christ and I was angry how God could take away something so good in my life. Ben moved to Peru during those two years and we talked less and less. I began to accept this point in our friendship, but my bitterness towards Ben's journey and call began to take form of how I felt about the Church. I was hurt and wounded and it was her fault. This was easy to do because I was at a bible college that rejected anything Catholic. I embraced the Christian theology I was taught and began to learn as much as I could. I displayed the most prideful spirit due to my bitterness. I pushed Ben and the Catholic church away while spewing any bit of the theology I knew to back up anything that wasn't Catholic. I'm ashamed and embarrassed for how I regurgitated theology that was spoon fed to me and was never truly understood.
After some time, I kept having dream after dream, conversation after conversation, and experience after experience that showed me I couldn't hide from the Church. She was persistent and patient. I started opening myself up once more and allowing myself to learn and embrace what God wanted me to hear rather than what I wanted to believe and hear. Once I took pride and being right out of the picture, I realized that the answers that I had been looking for all along were right in front of me. My own stubbornness and ignorant search to be right was what blinded me all along. I started to realize that the point wasn't the choice between Catholicism or being Protestant, the choice was God. It didn't matter where I attended church or if I preferred rituals and sacredness over upbeat songs. I loved how Mass felt and allowing reverence and sacredness to become a priority. The point was God and how I loved Him through loving the people around me. I do that best through the Catholic Church. Just as every person has an individual relationship with God, I strongly believe that we seek and find him in different ways. He speaks most loudly through the miracles and sacraments in the Church.
I've spent the last two years back in Durango- This is a whole new experience and I'm so grateful that I am back in such a beautiful place. I still go to Mass, but I'm not concerned with my salvation or if I'll make the right choice. I know I'm right where I'm supposed to be.
I still don't have all the right words or answers, but I can say that I'm ready for the next part of the adventure. I'm starting RCIA again in hopes that I'll finish this time around. I'm so ready. I'm not abandoning any truth and I'm not abandoning my brothers and sisters. I'm choosing to hear God so that I might love a little better.
I choose Him. I choose love. That's all I care about.
A lot of new opportunities and change is just around the corner. I'm not really scared or nervous, I'm more concerned about doing it right and getting everything done. I'm excited more than anything, though. I've been thinking and talking so much about the things I want for myself and it's really exciting to see things fall into place. There are a few uncertainties, but I'm confident that everything will fall into place, it always does.
I have been looking for a place to live for a few weeks and I think I may have found where I'll be living the next 9 months. I met a girl through a mutual friend who is currently living with her fiance and is in need of another roommate. The location is pretty perfect except for the fact that I am going to have to learn to parallel park- I knew this day would eventually come. I haven't been too concerned about how big or nice the place is because I don't think I'll have much time to spend in my place much less sleep. Anyway, I'm supposed to meet the fiance tomorrow evening and then I'll find out if I get the place. I have mixed feelings because I am nervous and it's overwhelming to move AGAIN in such a short period of time. Despite the nervousness, I think about my own space and the way I want MY room and MY space to look. I love spending time with my boyfriend and being comfortable in his home, but I not only need to create my own life in a relationship, I'm just not ready to play the role of a married couple when I'm not married. Maybe it's pride and maybe it's smart, but I know I need to and I want it. This opportunity to live in a new place has me daydreaming of what things will be like in a few months from now and the people I will meet because of where I'm living and I like the feelings I get. If one day my boyfriend and I decide to get married and combine our very separate lives, I have realized how hard something as simple as a living space can me. My boyfriend has lived in HIS house for several years now and much of his decor is remanince of the college party days. That's fine and dandy when you're 21, but at some point you have to let that go. I'm not sure that he's even holding on to all the signs and posters, I just don't think he cares one way or another. I on the other hand become giddy when thinking about decorating a room and bringing in accents to bring out other colors in my sheets. I know, it's silly, but I really enjoy having a living space that has color, life, and character. I believe that your bedroom is a sacred place because you spend a lot of time in that room and the space should be a sanctuary. I'm not a neat freak and I won't pretend to be, but I do find solace in an organized and clean space. I have always loved windows and vacuuming, so it would only make sense I like the sunshine and I like things clean. You don't really think about how important these things are until you're sharing that sanctuary with another person. Is it important enough to end a relationship over the blinds being open or shut? Probably not, but it is something that is important to me.
Not only have I been searching for the right place to live, I've been searching for that right job. And when I say 'right' job, I mean ANY job at this point. I'm fairly confident that I will find one in time, but it is still unnerving thinking about all the bills piling up the longer I go without a job. I was so lucky and blessed to have such a wonderful summer job doing what I love and now I may not have that same privilege throughout the school year. I have sort of let go and forgotten how much I'm not looking forward to working more this semester because I don't have a choice and I HAVE to just get through school and get it done. My schedule is going to be pretty tight thie semester and I know it will be rewarding if I can make it all work. I'll be doing my student teaching/ practicum MWF to get my 90 hours out of the way. On Tuesday and Thursday I will be in class from 8-4:50. Somewhere in between I'd really like to workout, go to yoga, go to RCIA classes, start rock climbing, and make time for my friends and boyfriend. Am have a feeling some things are going to have to give and I'm afraid to take a deep look and find out what it is that would take priority in my extracurricular activities. I'm hoping to find a job that will allow me to work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and maybe one other night a week. Almost everything in Durango closes by 6 unless you are at Wal-Mart or a bar. I'm not sure I'm desperate enough to work at either. I'm not entirely opposed to working at the pub or one of the other bars, but I'm not sure that would be a good idea with my current schedule. I'm just praying I can find a part time nanny job that would allow for flexibility and I can get some school work done. I just keep thinking how close I am to be being done with school and that's the one thing that keeps me going.
Lately I've been thinking about people I know personally and others I know of and I have this idea of how mature, wise, intelligent, and grown up they are. The funny thing about it is that no matter how old I am, I constantly strive to get to the next point because I don't feel any of those things. I see some of my closest friends living lives that seem so stable and concrete. I don't see myself as immature or unintelligent, I just don't see myself as adult as I had looked ahead years ago. I remember years ago seeing people my age and they seemed so old and mature and here I am at that point and I don't feel like I'm there. Maybe next year?
So I know nothing of your taste
and now speak up, louder.
It's in your lips, I found.
Come on, just press against me
I finally have your attention,
so listen closer, sweetheart.
I've been trying to tell you, stay awake.
And no, no, when we're safe here
Come back, come back, you stayed always.
Stay with me here
Stay with me and watch these cars go by,
and tell me the first thing that comes to your mind.
So watch as I go back
I just came to say that
you'll never see me again.
This clock is ours now, till morning.
So stay right there in that frame
This picture is how we speak.
You'll never see me again,
cause I miss you already.
And bear that you haven't seen me.
I don't belong in anything you dream,
in anything we dream.
She said "Put your hands back on my
skin and say you loved me,
cause I can't live like you do.
Never could."
Come on, just press against me.
You always have my attention,
and please speak up louder.
Make those lips move.
Come back on the weekend forever
cause you don't mean to shake like that
Come back on the weekend forever
Cause you don't mean to...
Stay with me and I will try to tell you
Stay with me and I will try to tell you
So watch as I go back
I just came to say that
you'll never see me again
This clock is ours now, till morning.
So stay right there in that frame
This picture is how we see you
You'll never see me again,
cause I miss you already
So I know nothing of your taste
and now speak up, louder.
It's in your lips, I found.
Come on, just press against me
I finally have your attention,
so listen closer, sweetheart.
I've been trying to tell you, stay awake.
And no, no, when we're safe here
Come back, come back, you stayed always.
Stay with me here
Stay with me and watch these cars go by,
and tell me the first thing that comes to your mind.
So watch as I go back
I just came to say that
you'll never see me again.
This clock is ours now, till morning.
So stay right there in that frame
This picture is how we speak.
You'll never see me again,
cause I miss you already.
And bear that you haven't seen me.
I don't belong in anything you dream,
in anything we dream.
She said "Put your hands back on my
skin and say you loved me,
cause I can't live like you do.
Never could."
Come on, just press against me.
You always have my attention,
and please speak up louder.
Make those lips move.
Come back on the weekend forever
cause you don't mean to shake like that
Come back on the weekend forever
Cause you don't mean to...
Stay with me and I will try to tell you
Stay with me and I will try to tell you
So watch as I go back
I just came to say that
you'll never see me again
This clock is ours now, till morning.
Have I mentioned how lucky I am to live in such a beautiful place? Hiked up La Plata canyon with Kevin and his family. The wild flowers were absolutely gorgeous and we got to meet some interesting people along the way- I always joke about how summer time in Durango is Texan vacation time, but if you survey the crazy amounts of tourists, you'd find that the majority are indeed from Texas. When I'm driving to work in the morning I drive by the Durango-Silverton trainstation and that's when I start to smile knowing that people save up their money so they can come visit such a cool place and I get to wake up and live here everyday. Anyway, the hike was so beautiful and I'm thankful that I can wake up, drive 20 minutes and spend the day hiking and return to my own house and my own bed. I'm pretty lucky.
I was inspired to write a list of likes after reading a rather entertaining and humorous list of dislikes. So here it goes...
The smell of rain Tofu Chewable Vitamin C Children's books Cuddly orange cats The letter C? Bubbles Aqua-The color and possibly the band Coffee in the mornin' Yes, I STILL like Leonardo DiCaprio Medium length hikes Yoga and yoga pants When my bed is the perfect temperature Recording my dreams My hands and feeties adequately moisturized Extra sharp white cheddar cheese Hogue Reisling with my cheese 30 minute hot showers Nice feet Watching every single Seinfeld episode Hammond from Top Gear Pugs Barefeeties and flip flops Using 'feeties' and ''teefers' in my everyday language Old people People watching at the pub Finding music that doesn't remind me of another band Babies P-cakes in the morning CHA BOI! Swing dancing Being snuggled or having my hair played with When my dresses fit perfectly without being altered Folding laundry fresh out of the dryer Smiling- it's my favorite Sleeping in until 9am and no later Lunch Little pockets on my dresses or shirts just for keeping snacks When my underwear matches my outfit and I'm the only one that knows Pumas No hair on my body Wellies When people drive in the correct lane at the appropriate speed limit
I like a lot more things, but I think this should cover the highlights
I feel like picking up and moving to another state that I've never been to and I know no one. I've done it before and I somewhat miss the feelings along with the adventure. I've been on many adventures until now and I have loved every second of it. As much as I want to pick up and move to somewhere new, something inside me has changed. I'm more determined not to run, avoid, or forget how to make this place here and now an adventure. I love Durango and all the quirkiness that it entails. Picking up and moving has been what I've done and my heart has been preparing for a new place and ready to move on even though I have no plans of doing that. I lived in Durango for a year, then back to Lakewood for a few months, St. Louis for 2 1/2 years, and then in Durango. I've been in Durango again for 2 years and it's almost becoming too comfortable and predictable. I have to wonder if I'm afraid of the predictable and afraid of things becoming mundane and mediocre. I have always promised myself that I would not every succumb to living a mediocre life. My solution has always been to move on when I felt that I lived that place to its full potential. I don't believe it is time to leave Durango again, I need to find that mystery and excitement once more in the place I have become so comfortable.
The problem is me.
I am ready to live here and begin a life. I have focused so much on school and work that I have forgotten how to live for the things that bring me joy. I fight to be independent and to constantly grow and yet I have crippled myself. I love my work and I love the life that I have created, but that cannot be the only fruit I produce. I am full of gifts and joy that hasn't been shared. I crave to have stories full of happiness and pure joy that a 24 year old woman should have. Not the stories filled with alcohol and stupidity, but stories of real living.
I am convinced more than ever that I am the only one that can create the life that I want to live and I am ready to make that happen. Yes, I will be moving, but moving towards a life worth living and telling about. Not so that everyone will ooo and ahhh at my wonderful stories, but so that I will smile knowing that my story is worth telling. I have led a life where emotions took such great power and control over decisions and the way I felt going into each day. I believe what I feel is important and provides great intuition as well as guidance, but I can no longer allow it to take the forefront of my life. I never understood how one could control their emotions and I honestly viewed this "control" as lying about what one felt. There has to be a balance because I do have free will and I choose how much I am going to let something define the way I see life. The past few months have been a roller coaster at my own doing and I am at a fork in the road. There's no going back, just a choice. It is in fact black and white. I can let the heartache, confusion, anger, jealousy, and guilt lead me or I can choose to take my life with joy,take comfort in not knowing, let what I cannot change go and move one foot at a time.
There are no words to even explain how I got to this point, but I know that I was lead to this road so that I might make a deeper change. Sometimes we make choices or allow things to happen we would not ordinarily dream of because there is no other way for us to grow. I can't say that I am regretful, I feel more reflected and grateful for the opportunity to change. I find that my self-talk is most crucial at this point because it is the thoughts that create the feelings negative or positive. How easy it has been to tell myself that I am just not that girl and I am who I am. Wishing I could do more adventurous and outdoorsy things or being kind and articulate are things I am consumed with. Why should I not be that girl? My core will always be consistent, but I have the strength and courage to say yes.
I have been thinking constantly about all the things I wish to be and the things I wish to do and here are a few:
I will be girl worth missing- not easy to forget I will go on long hikes alone I will finish school with less stress than I have in the past because I have not created the stress for myself I want to save more diligently for the future I am going to join Teachers Without Borders I am going to run more often I am going to rock climb I am going to meet more people I am going to find another fruitful job that I enjoy I am going to be courageous I am not going to let people walk all over me and take advantage of my kindness I am not going to remain in a relationship where I am not appreciated or treated with the same kindness and respect I am not going to put others' happiness before my own I am going to spend more time doing things alone and with people I enjoy who share the same zeal for life.
Dear wander lust,
You may never know the impact you have had on my life or know the amount of chaos you have created inside my heart. I am not bitter and I am not angry, I am thankful. You have shaken up and turned my life upside down. I may never if it was out of selfishness or the amount you cared for the gifts I gave. I thank you for waking my soul and showing me a part of myself that I never knew existed. You showed me just how amazing my life is and should be without saying a word. I may never see your face again, know the answers I ask for everyday or forget the things we've shared. I can honestly smile because you ran away from something pure and courageous. I am not perfect and I'm not that little girl you think you've left behind hurt and wandering. Thank you for breaking my heart, the best gift anyone could have given.
Sometimes you really do avoid the dodge ball and it feels that much sweeter.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Have I mentioned how much I dislike dodgeball? I think at least 27 hit me today.
I LOVE my job and I can't say that enough. I'm lucky to love what I do and work with such an amazing group of people and have pretty awesome kids. They're whippersnappers for sure, but they teach me so much. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't have a story to tell. I doubt anyone I tell these stories to really cares or sees just how awesome they are, but i assure you they ARE awesome. You just have to be awesome to see the awesomeness (for some reason when I spell out awesomeness it looks wrong and silly). I'm going to try and post more of my stories because some of the things these kids say are absolutely hilarious, ridiculous, silly, and downright awesome. And no, I am not overusing 'awesome'.
Last week one of my kids, we'll call Thomas, sat down for breakfast. I asked him, "Do you like orange juice for breakfast?" Thomas then replied, "Yeah, I drink orange juice, beer,water and sometimes wine." These kids are 3 and 4 mind you. Then 3 other kids chimed in reminding Thomas that beer and wine is for grown ups and Thomas was a liar. Thomas replied, "NO! I DO drink wine and beer". I quickly changed the subject to blueberry muffins. Thank God blueberry muffins were interesting.
I've never cared much for the game growing up, but I can think of the many elementary school P.E classes spent playing the game that would without a doubt consist of someone unexpectantly getting slammed in the face with the ball. Just about every child in America has played the game at one point in their life and perhaps this silly pointless game is played throughout our lives. I'm immediately reminded of the feeling of being blindsided by a heavy object slamming into my body. As a young awkward girl with chicken legs, my only motivation throughout the game was to get through the entire game without falling on my face, being pushed down, and making sure that a ball wasn't flying at me at every direction. Unfortunately, I didn't have enough eyes or spatial sense to keep these things from happening. Inevitably I found myself beaten up by the game dodgeball. This past month, I've been repeatedly pounded, beaten, and blindsided by a ball called life. This is also inevitable. I still have chicken legs and I'm probably just as awkward- but in cute quirky way I'd like to think- and no matter how many skills I develop, the balls just keep coming.
Despite the years of wisdom that will come, this game will be played until the end. I supppose I should find the joy and excitement in the surprise slam into the face. Although the purpose is to "dodge" the ball, part of the fun is the unexpectedness. Well, maybe from those who are doing the kicking. As I go to class, work, go out with friends, develop friendships and live my life, I see the sneaky people just waiting until you walk by with your back to them so they can kick a ball as hard as they can towards my head. I can get angry and cry like the many times I'm sure I cried when hit or maybe I can take the hit with grace. If anything, I hunger grace. The type of grace that I carry with me when shit hits the fan. Right now there many sneaky ball kicking meanies just waiting for the chance, the chance to get me down. I'm choosing to take the hit with grace. Playing defensively, giving up, or joining isn't an option any longer. My goals, ideas, theology, and priorities have changed many times and I know they will continue to change, but one thing that has stayed consistent in my life is the fact that I will always want to be a woman of grace. I carry a great deal of grace, but this is something I want to continue to learn and embrace. The people that I admire the most carry an unbelievable amount of poise and grace. When we carry grace, we carry a confidence that's contagious.
Regardless of how many things are going in my life, the game must go on. Life doesn't stop to give you a break. No time outs this time. My thoughts are everywhere but here in the present and I need to be here right now because this is where I can thrive. I have experienced change in huge ways over the past couple years and I'm grateful and happy for this change, but I forgot a very important piece. I forgot about the part where I take the time to bring Katie up to date about all this change. I know I've changed and for that I'm also thankful. I'm not remorseful or saddened by this change. I've become an ambitious and loving woman. I have a lot to figure out in the near future and even now, but I also need to enjoy the woman I have come to know now. I don't ever seek to be the allstar playa, but I am not content with the consolation prize any longer. I have become so wrapped up in this change and an end result, I forgot about the things I desire. I'm in complete awe of how God has found ways to send a ball straight at me. I was knocked flat on my face and now that I'm on my feet, I just want to smile at how hard I had to be hit to see my own desires. I have stepped back so that others can take their turn and this could be out of fear or many other things. I guess the reason doesn't really matter, but I'm finally ready to breathe life into myself.
I can honestly say That I never, ever, ever felt this way Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin These are the parts of your body That cause my comatose to begin
I will sleep another day I don't really need to anyway What's the point when my dreams are infected With words you used to say I will breathe in a moment As long as I keep my distance I wouldn't want to go messing anything up
So don't go worrying about me It's not like I think about you constantly So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect Your life anymore I knew it the moment you walked into the door
And I could never tell you how I really feel And for that I eternally apologize
I hope you never forget the tapping at your window With the harsh cold and the jealousy Running through my bones We were both selfish, but I think I was more
I would like to thank you, for showing me A part of myself that I have never seen Yeah, we were young and dumb, but it still was fun And I guess these things just tend to fall apart And I hope you feel the same
I've become increasingly critical of everything and everyone-Not so much the critical where I hate the world and hate everyone in it, just the kind where everyone makes me want to poke my own eyes out. I'm amazed as to how so many people function in society and think so highly of themselves. I find it interesting the way things have changed in my own worldview since high school. I talked in class, and folded cute notes about the boys liked, and wrote little emo songs. I don't talk to a great deal of people in a couple of my classes because it's painful to hear the words come out of their mouth. Since I hardly say a word -This might be a surprise to the kid I bet $20 in 7th grade that I could go 10 minutes without talking and failed within the first 5 minutes- I find that I listen and observe people I ordinarliy could care less about. I have a hard time understanding how people excuse themselves for ridiculous behaviours, make dimwitted choices, spew out garbage, and live their lives blissfully as assholes. Ultimately, I think the problem is me. I don't want to go through life in a daze where I just let God take care of everything because HE loves them. On the otherhand, I don't really feel so loving. I sit and critique how I do what they did better, how I'd articulate it, how I wouldn't be an idiot. I can think of all the ways to make the world better (aside from removing assholes) and how great it could be, but instead of doing anything about it, I just criticize and hold may nose just a little higher. The amount of annoyances and effort I put into allowing myself to even think of poking my own eye out would be put to much better use by contributing to society in a positive way. Until then, I'm the asshole.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
One of the best winter days ever- I need more of these days.
I'm happy and I'm content. I know that I'm finally content because I don't need to find reasons to justify why I'm full of joy. There are many things I hope to strive for and reach, but in this very moment and point in my life, I'm content. I'm REALLY looking forward to graduating and finally doing something that I have loved for so long and knowing that it is mine. I know I'm going to be an amazing teacher and I know I'm going to truly show children love. I know it won't be easy and I'll come home frustrated beyond words, but it won't stop me. I've lived most of my life doing something I thought I wouldn't fail at and running to where I would be safe. When it got hard and scary I would run to the next safety until that turned into another challenge. I am often terrified of the next few months to come and I am fearful of failing, but I can't run now because the alternative isn't where I belong or make me safe any longer.
I have come to a realization that I have a spirit of laziness at times and a lack of motivation when I'm worn down. I'm such a fighter, but I only fight when I've fallen to the point that I'm clinging. Why do I wait until such desperate measures? I want to be the person that fights like they're clinging on everyday. I wake up to go to school so that I can get a grade to stay in the ed program so that I can learn to take a test to get my license and graduate to become a teacher so that I can pay off my loans so that I can make a decent living to create a stable environment for a family. And that list does go on. I get worn out thinking of how the future never ends and I'm working so hard for something that never seems to come. I'm always thinking about the next step and how I'm going to get there and even THAT is exhausting. Maybe I am lazy, but it isn't out of apathy, it's rather out of fear, which does lead to a tired heart. I'm not necessarily fearful of not becoming a teacher, I'm afraid of the difficulties ahead of me and I'm afraid of the process being even longer than it has been. I want to wake up every morning from this day and think of the sheer joy I find in teaching and that being the only goal ahead. Thinking about right now seems so much easier and less filled with anxiety.I may even be contradicting my last blog-I'm SO happy with where I live, the people in my life, and finally feeling as though I have a community here.
I'm much too afraid of this culture consuming me. I will always strive to fight what societies poison. I even cringe at the idea of my words and my life becoming trite. I have to think of the goals even if it makes me tired. I want so badly to give my family things I wasn't able to experience. I wasn't spoiled, but I was privileged because I didn't deserve much of what I given and yet I had opportunities, experiences, and my life given to me. I hope that I can give the same to my own children, but I never want to worry about money or be consumed with where it is going to come from and constantly thinking of the next bill that comes after the next bill. That is prison. I want to be debt free, but I also want think like a minimalist and have a heart of thankfulness. The more I have to be thankful for the less things I need to be thankful for. I know that God will graciously give this, but I it IS a privilege and I know that it's worth working for.
